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By JOHN SPOLLON. 

/ 


PRICE, 25 CENTS 




Adventures ^ 

OF A 

Tramp. 


By JOHN SPOLLON. 


3 


/ 




Ilarrisville, X. H. 
John Spollo^^, Publisher. 
1897. 



Elntered, according to Act of Congress, 
ill the year 1897, 

By JOHN SPOLLON, 
in the office of the Librarian of Congress, 
at Washington. 


DARLING cO CO., Printers, Keene, N. H. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 

INTRODUCTION. 

One morning several years ago two sixteen-year>old 
boys, who were obliged to cross a river on their way to 
work, were walking down the street leading to the ferry. 

“ Come on ! ” said one, who was a little in advance. 
“ Hurry, Ned, or we shall miss the boat and be late.” 

* ‘Always in a rush, Tom,” drawled the other. 

“ I can't accuse you of that,” retorted Tom, laughing. 
“ But there goes the bell ! The boat will be off in a 
minute ! ” and he started on a run. 

His comrade followed leisurely, and arrived in time to 
see Tom making a daring effort to reach the boat, which 
was now about a dozen feet from the landing place. 

The entrance to the landing place was guarded on each 
side by a long row of piles held together by strong tim- 
bers running crosswise. Over these timbers the boy ran 
with the agility of a monkey, the passengers looking on 
in horrified silence, and the deck hands shouting to him 
to “go back ! ” 

There was a cheer from the passengers as he reached 
a position alongside of the boat, followed immediately by 
a cry of alarm as the boat lurched toward him just as he 
was about to step on the rail ; the shock caused him to 


2 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


slip ; one leg was caught between the rail and a pile, and 
but for the eager hands reached out to save him, his life 
would have been the price of his temerity. 

He was taken to the hospital, where his leg was found 
to be so badly crushed from the knee down, as to render 
amputation necessary. 

“That boy can get along better on one leg than his 
comrade will on two,”- said a cigar manufacturer who had 
witnessed the accident; “and as soon as he comes out 
of the hospital I mean to give him a chance.” 

The gentleman he addressed observed that “ the boy 
was worthy of charity.” 

“ I mean to offer him nothing in charity,” returned the 
cigar maker ; “I shall merely give him a chance to help 
himself ; and if he succeeds I will be rewarded by the 
consciousness of my own sound judgment.” 

At the age of i8 the cigar maker’s crippled apprentice 
was one of his best hands. When he was 19 his em- 
ployer, finding him able to do a first-class journeyman's 
work, gave him his time and put him on the same wage 
footing as the rest of the men. Allowing him those two 
years’ time was a great favor, but the only real one ever 
granted him. The boy had worked his way up from the 
start by his own exertions, and when he reached his ma- 
jority was able to open a small shop on his own account. 

During all this time he had never heard from his old 
friend, Ned; but one day when passing the door of a 
saloon he was accosted by a young man who was lounging 
there : 

“ Hello Tom ! you don’t know your unfortunate friends^ 
1 see.” 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


3 


Tom turned, and it was with some difficulty he recog- 
nized his old school-mate in the bloated features of the 
lounger. When he did he extended his hand, saying : 

“I didn’t see you, Ned, or I should have been only 
too glad to greet you after all these years. Where have 
you been } ” 

‘‘ O, I lost my job that morning for not being on hand. 
I haven’t done much since. How are you 'making out ? — 
but I needn't ask : your accident set you up for life.^’ 

“If that’s the case,” said Tom, flushing angrily, for 
the tone of his friend was rather insulting, “it’s a pity 
you don’t meet with an accident, for you look as if you 
needed a little setting up.” 

“ So I do,” said Ned, laughing, and adding an oath by 
way of flavor to his wit; “ and as our meeting is acci- 
dental 1 see no reason why you shouldn’t step in here and 
set ’em up.” 

“ I have a good reason for declining, Ned,” replied 
Tom : “I never drink. But here is a dollar for the sake 
of old times, and you may spend it as you please. By the 
way, what are you driving at ? ” 

Driving! ” cried the other, bitterly, as he pocketed the 
money and cast a yearning, impatient look in at the bar. 
“Driving! I am driven — driven to drink by hard luck. 
If I had not met you I don’t know where I would have 
raised the price of a drink today. It’s tough times with 
me, Tom.” 

“ Have you looked for work ?” 

“ Work,^ O, IVa tried everything! ” 

“ I’m afraid, Ned, that you didn’t try long enough at 
one thing. Now, if you promise me to keep steady for a 
year I will — ” 


4 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP, 


‘‘O, don’t — don’t preach to me I If I was forced to 
stick to one thing I suppose I could do it as well as the 
next man ; but having the free use of my limbs I am not 
obliged to, you see.” 

This was enough; their ways were different — one up, 
the other down — and they parted to meet no more. 

Tom, in the course of a short time, became the pro- 
prietor of a handsomely gilded, attractive saloon, and a 
very influential politician, able to control more votes than 
any "other man in his district. 

Poor Ned went from bad to worse, and became the 
leading spirit among a gang of tramps who travelled from 
place to place, subsisting upon what they could beg or 
steal, and putting in their nights in police stations and 
barns. They all liked Ned, and would do anything for 
him — except work. Their chief delight was to gather 
around him in the station house or deserted barn and 
listen to the queer stories he told, of which some of the 
best will be found in the following chapters. 

There may be readers superficial enough to imagine 
that the author has written from his own experience. To 
such he would say that, although he never ivas a tramp, he 
has met with and observed the ways of several of these 
unfortunates, and that he would prefer the acquaintance 
of one of them to that of a politician. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


5 


HOW HE BECAME A TRAMP. 

“ A mixture of rum, religion and legislation made a 
professional tramp of me,” said the boss tramp, address- 
ing a group of his admiring friends assembled one summer 
night in a deserted barn. “In the first place I lost a 
good job down in Woodenam by going on a spree. My 
employers might have given me another chance, but they 
didn’t; so when they paid me off I finished up my spree, 
and, with no money to pay my way from place to place, 
set out to look for work. 

“ The first man I asked for a night’s lodging was the 
Rev. Mr. I'extwister, and of course his first words were : 
‘ He who will not work neither shall he eat.‘ I told him 
I was not asking food, but shelter for the night. 

“ ‘ The broad canopy of heaven,’ said he, with a mag- 
niloquent sweep of the arm, ‘ is good enough for such as 
you to sleep under.’ 

“ As I was turning away it struck him that I might be 
able to furnish him with a text for his next sermon. He 
had been criticising Peter and misconstruing Paul for the 
last six months, and he wanted to give his flock something 
fresh in the shape of ‘ a horrible example of human de- 
pravity, my dear brethren, with whom I was speaking the 
other day, told me — etc.’ ‘ Stop a moment,’ said he. 

‘ I dare say that irreligion is at the bottom of your trouble. 
Is it not ? You neglected your religious duties, I’ll war- 
rant. Now, tell the truth : did you, or did you not, 
attend divine worship regularly?’ 


6 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


^ I did not,’ said I ; ‘ and what’s more I never will 
hereafter. If the broad canopy of heaven is good enough 
for me to sleep under it is certainly good enough for me 
to worship divine things under. Take that for your next 
text.’ 

“ I went to the police station and let them take a 
mental photograph of me for future reference, and got 
put up for the night in return. The next morning it 
began to storm, and 1 took shelter under a coal shed 
while the rain came down in torrents for eight long hours, 
my only pastime munching a few crackers in which I had 
invested my last dime. Night found me in the same 
town. Thinking they would not remember my face at 
the station house, I applied for one more night’s lodging, 
and got 6o of them ; for the ‘ move on ’ section of the 
statute says, in effect, that a second application for lodg- 
ing at the same place and by the same party, constitutes 
vagrancy, and entitles the applicant to 59 days more than 
he requires, all at the expense of the Woodenam tax- 
payers, and no allowance made for stormy weather. 

“ ‘Take off your shoes before you go into that cell,’ 
said the turnkey, whose duties were to keep the place 
clean, feed the prisoners^ and have them punished for 
insolence if they asked him a question. 

“ ‘ What for ? ’ I asked. 

“ ‘ Take ’em off, or I’ll show you what for ! ’ he roared. 

“So I entered the cell with my shoes in my hand. 
There was a man there already : also a smell that was 
enough in itself to demoralize a polecat. Our beds con- 
sisted of two planks raised about a foot from the floor, 
with a blanket each — to go over or under us according 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


7 


to the weather, and our shoes for pillows. I asked my 
fellow prisoner why the guests at this hotel were compelled 
to remove their shoes before entering their boudoirs. 

“ ‘ It s the turnkey’s rule,’ said he. ‘He’s afraid of the 
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, I believe. 
If you look a little closer you’ll see that the floor is swarm- 
ing with animal life. He’s afraid that you might hurt 
some of ’em with your shoes — see ? They do say that 
when the cells are vacant he feeds ’em every day as 
reg’lar as clockwork. When the cells are occupied of 
course there’s no necessity for that;’^ — and he got up 
and rubbed his back against the wall; — ‘the feller who 
was in here before me told me that the turnke}^ has pets 
among ’em, and cautioned me to be careful and not insult 
any of them with the blue ribbons around their necks, as 
they were his favorites. I haven’t seen any of ’em deco- 
rated like that, but some of ’em are certainly big enough 
to be chained.’ 

“ In the bottom of the cell door there was a hole about 
a foot square, through which the tender-hearted turnkey 
fed us in a style peculiar to himself. He would come 
along first with tin cups, containing alleged coffee, and 
send them sliding in with just force enough to spill half 
of the contents. Then, with a lump of stale bread in his 
hand, he would stand off, strike the attitude of a base-ball 
pitcher, and let drive for the hole. If we did not have 
our cups out of the way, the balance of our coffee would 
be sent flying against the wall ; and if we ventured to tell 
him of it he would threaten us with solitary confinement 
for giving him ‘ cheek.’ 

“ You may be sure that when I got out of that limbo I 


8 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


was a moral and physical wreck, unfit for anything but 
the road ; and, after all, when I got hardened into it, I 
found it much easier than working to walk the railroad 
ties, pondering on the little weaknesses of human nature 
and Jearning to profit by them. 

“ For instance: the first door I knocked at for food 
was opened by a woman in whose face I could plainly see 
avarice and gilt-edged pride — the latter predominating. 

“ ‘ I haven't got a morsel of food in the house,’ said 
she. ‘ WeVe got all we can do to live ourselves.’ 

That's too bad,’ said I. ‘ I’ll go next door and tell 
them so.’ 

“ She seized me by the collar with one hand, and with 
a sudden powerful wrench landed me into the middle of 
the room. 

‘‘ ‘ There ! ’ she gasped. ‘ Don’t you dare to go next 
door and tell ’em that ! Sit right down at that table and 
I’ll see if I can't hunt you up something to eat.’ ” 


T O 

MY ESTEEMED FRIEXD 

JOS. M. WADE, 

Editor of Fibre and Fabric, 
Occultism, etc., 

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED. 



ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


9 


IN THE SHOW BUSINESS. 

“ If ‘ misery loves company’ she ought to take a trip 
in the steerage to London, and stay there. 

‘‘I went there myself once, before the mast, and got 
such rough usage aboard the ship, that I concluded to 
leave her as soon as she arrived — and I did. 

“ There were about 3,000 sailors loafing around White- 
chapel at the time, unable to get ships. I went down to 
the Tower Hill Shipping office one day to see how things 
looked. There I found about 200 sailors huddled together 
in the hole, about fourteen feet below the street level, 
which they call the ‘ chain-locker,’ lying in wait for the 
chance skipper, or mate, in search of one or two hands. 
As soon as he would appear they’d surround him like a 
pack of hungry wolves ; waving their ‘ honorable dis- 
charges ’ in the air ; crushing, smothering him ; and often 
fighting for the nearest place to his person. 

“There was only ten dollars in all that hungry crowd, 
and that was in my pocket. There was no chance for me 
to get a vessel before my money was gone, and as London 
wasn’t the right sort of a place to be hard-up in, I resolved 
to do something unique in order to raise the requisite 
amount of wind to sail for home as a steerage passenger. 

“I took a stroll down St. George’s street — formerly 
called Ratcliffe Highway. Down the street about half a 


2 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


I O 

mile from the Sailor’s Home, there was, and is yet, a 
large building labelled ‘ St. George’s Chambers.’ 

“ There’s nothing in the name suggestive of poverty 
and misery of the worst type, but the interior of the build- 
ing proves it to be only a step from the poor-house or jail; 
in fact it is only a sort of ante-chamber to both. 

“ I went in. Anybody can do that, without ringing 
the bell or troubling the liveried flunkies. The main door 
stands open day and night to tramps, pickpockets, street- 
hawkers, hard-up sailors and women of characteristic 
characters. I found a few of the honest poor there, too ; 
for it's one of the few places where you can dine, sup and 
lodge for sixpence a day. 

“On the left as you enter, there’s a little shop par- 
titioned off, mostly with glass, from a large brick-paved 
hall — the kitchen and dining room combined. Here you 
can buy groceries and meat. With threepence you can 
dine sumptuously — for a poor man. Buy a ha’penny’s 
worth of coffee, a farthing’s worth of sugar, and the same 
of milk. That disposes of a penny, and you have the 
necessary ingredients for a cup of coffee : not of the best 
quality, but what of it? You are not of the best quality 
yourself, or you wouldn’t be here. Now buy a raw beef- 
steak about the size of your hand — one penny; and for 
the remaining penny enough bread to satisfy any man — 
in quantity. 

“ But what are you going to do with this raw material? 
Walk right into the hall. It’s quite a large place, with 
tables and benches enough to accommodate 150 persons. 
On each side of this room there’s a large, old-fashioned 
fireplace, five feet wide and filled with coals, with a large 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


boiler filled with hot water, let into the wall above. On 
each side of the fireplace you'll find a number of long 
chains fastened to the wall, and at the end of each chain 
a cooking utensil firmly secured. They’re obliged to tie 
’em up this way, because the majority of the guests 
wouldn't scruple to walk off with the hot coals, if they had 
fire-proof gloves on. 

“Well, they don’t charge anything for the use of the 
cooking gear, nor for the dishes which you'll find in a cup- 
board. They’re all of tin — but of course you don’t expect 
silver. You can cook your dinner, take it to a table, sit 
down, and — there's lots of fun in poverty if you’re not 
too poor to enjoy it. When I entered, I found a group 
of men and women around each fireplace. A few fortu- 
nate ones were busy cooking, while the luckless many 
looked on with hungry eyes, and warmed themselves at 
the expense of the establishment. 

“ At a table farthest removed from the noisy crowd, 
sat a man with hollow eyes and sunken cheeks, writing as 
if for dear life, with a steadily increasing pile of MSS. near 
his right elbow, and a number of papers and periodicals 
near his left. 

“ Can’t say what his business was, but I strongly sus- 
pected that he was earning just enough to live in the 
‘ Chambers,’ by translating the works of American authors 
into the English language. ‘ My poor fellow,’ thinks I ; 
‘ if international copyright ever becomes a law, you’ll 
starve.’ 

“ Upstairs there were bedrooms by the score, where 
lodgers paid twopence a night. 

“ I noticed a vast number of children continually run- 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


1 2 

ning in and out of the place ; and that set me to thinking. 
Could’nt I help them in some way and at the same time 
better my own condition ? Well, 1 could try. 

‘‘ At one of the tables there was a family group of four. 
For the amusement of children who possessed more for- 
tunate parents than his own children could boast of, the 
man was cutting out pasteboard toys with dexterity and a 
jack-knife, while his wife stuck them together with rapidity 
and glue. The two children, with enough experience in 
their unkempt, fourteen-year-old heads to make a Solon 
of a forty-year-old fool, looked on and learned. 

“ I walked over to the table and introduced myself by 
asking the man how trade was. He told me it was 
‘ bleedin’ dull,’ and that Christmas being hover, he didn’t 
expect to do much for the balance of the bloomen winter.’ 
I called him aside. 

“ Look at all these children running about here,’ said I. 
‘Isn't it a shame ? I suppose they’re nearly all orphans ? 

“ ‘ Most on ’em's horpants,’ he replied; ‘ but they never 
sawr hennythmk better ; so wot’s the hodds ? ’ 

“ ‘ Wouldn’t you like to be a father to ’em ? ’ I asked. 

‘ Now, I put it to you as a man that has children of his 
own : Wouldn't you like to act the part of a father to all 
these poor orphans ? ’ 

“ ‘ Beggared if I knows wot you’re a drivin’ at,’ said 
he. ‘ You must be eyether a blawstid fool yourself, or 
you take me for one.’ 

“ I put it to him in another way : ‘ Would you be will- 
ing, in consideration of five shillings a day, to branch off 
just the least little mite from the regular Sunday School 
line, and pretend to be a father to all these children ? ’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


3 


“The light of dawning intelligence gleamed in his eyes 
like the aurora borealis. 

“ ‘You must be in the show business,’ said he. 

“ ‘ Correct you are, my man. Now how many children 
are in this place ? ‘ 

“ ‘ I could find ye forty-eight.’ 

“ ‘ Six eights are forty-eight,’ said I, brilliantly. ‘ Now, 
couldn’t you persuade your wife to allow five other women 
from this house to act the part of your wives, along with 
her ? ’ 

“ ‘ I’ve no doubt but wot she'd agree, purvidin’ it’s 
honly make belief.’ 

“ ‘Very good,’ said I. ‘ Now, you talk it over with her, 
and the other women and children, while I go over to the 
Surrey side and hire a hall, and get the handbills printed. 
Tell them i’ll pay the women two shillings a day each and 
board, and the children one shilling each, and that all 
they’ll have to do is to sit still and be gaped at by a won- 
dering multitude, while I lecture on them. Above all 
things, impress upon their minds the importance of keep- 
ing the matter to themselves, for if it gets noised abroad 
everything will be spoiled.’ 

“ ‘ We know ’ow to keep our mouths shut when there’s 
somethink to heat in ’em,’ said Mr. Smith, for that was 
his name. 

“ Well, to cut it short, before sunset numerous hand- 
bills might have been seen floating in the air on the other 
side of the bridge, giving the sightseers in that quarter of 
London to understand that 


14 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


THE GREAT MORMON FAMILY ! ! ! 

FROM UTAH TERRITORY ! ! 

JOHN SMITH ! 

A LINEAL DESCENDANT OF THE 

ORIGINAL AND ONLY" JOSEPH, 

With His 6 Wives and 48 Children, 
will be on exhibition every evening from 7 to 9, at 
NONSUCH HALL. 

Admission 1 Shilling; .... Reserved Seats 18 Pence. 

DO NOT FAIL TO SEE THE MORMON FAMILY. 

“ T'here was a grand rush the first night, and a pretty 
fair attendance on the second ; but on the third day a 
warrant was issued for the arrest of John Smith on a 
charge of polygamy, and the show was busted up. But I 
had cleared enough money to pay my passage home, so 
I didn't care. 

“ I found it much more comfortable to sail in the steer- 
age than before the mast. Come to think of it, I don’t 
mind telling you how I came to desert my ship in the 
first place : 

“ One day on the passage to London, I was at the 
helm and the chief mate was leaning over the taffrail. I 
wondered what he was watching so intently, but I wasn't 
kept in ignorance very long. Presently he walked for- 
ward, pulled an iron belaying-pm from the fife-rail of the 
mizzenmast, walked aft to me, and said : 

“ ‘ Let me call your attention to this belaying- pin. You 
see the pins are not fastened to the rail in this ship as 
they are in others, where the officers are apt to fly into a 
blind passion about nothing and brain somebody.’ 

“ ‘ Now, I have been watching the silvery wake of this 
noble vessel since you took the helm ; and, judging by 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


^5 


the shape of it, I find that you are better adapted to 
literature than to navigation. Now, young man, I don’t 
mind if you make an S, or a W, or an M once in a while ; 
but we want to get to London soinetbne^ so don’t let me 
catch you making another O, or I’ll smash your head as 
flat as a flounder.’ ” 


A SINECURE. 

Note- — The following story appeared in the Boston Sunday Globe, April- 
2S, 1889. It was submitted as the first of a series of short stories under one title. 
The two stories following it were not accepted, so I altered the title and open 
ing sentence of one of them, and offered it to the Boston Herald as a separate 
tale, just to satisfy myself that it was worth publishing. It M as published in 
that paper, and will appear in this book as “The Pedler’s Story.” 

THE AUTHOR. 

“ You fellows may talk about your soft snaps,” said the 
boss tramp, as he seated himself among the inferior tramps 
around the station house stove; “but I doubt if any of 
you ever had as easy a job as the one I lost a few years 
ago. 

‘ ‘ I got it this way : 

“ One cold morning in March, I was standing on a 
street corner with my only five cents between me and 
financial ruin, and was asking myself whether it were 
better to drown my cares in a big schooner of beer, or go 
to a saloon where I would get only a pony but would 
have the run of the free lunch counter, when an elderly 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


I 6 

gentleman with a wealthy but careworn look on him 
stepped up to me and said : 

‘‘ ‘ Young man. are you out of employment ? ’ 

“I told him in my own pathetic way that I was an 
orphan son of Mr. Destiny and Mrs. Fortune, ill-used by 
my father and neglected by my mother until there was 
nothing between my feet and the cold ground but three 
stone bruises and a pair of elastic-side chilblains. 

“ ‘ Well,’ said he, with tears in his eyes that my story 
or the March wind brought there, ‘ I can give you some- 
thing to do indefinitely.’ 

“ ‘ What’s the work and what’s the wages ? ’ I asked. 

Said he : ‘ I want you to eat three meals a day of the 
best food, and Fll pay you seventy-five cents a day for 
doing it.’ 

“ I was sorely tempted to punch him in the mouth, but 
there was a cop on the other corner, so I remembered 
that he was an old man and kept my hands in my pockets. 

‘‘ ‘ 1 am in earnest,’ said he. ‘ Come into this saloon 
and I'll convince you of it.’ 

“ We went in and took something all round ; I took a 
whiskey, the old man took a closer look at me, and the 
bartender took a dime — from him. 

‘‘ ‘ Now,’ said he, after giving the whiskey time to 
warm into life the noblest sentiments of my soul, ‘ I am 
going to take you into my confidence. Two weeks ago 
my wife lost a pet dog — died of apoplexy. Ever since 
then she has been harmlessly insane on one subject, 
namely : the firm belief that the spirit of her defunct pet 
returns to the house at regular intervals for his meals. 
So she has a table set in a back room of the basement. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


7 


and preparing his meals with her own hands — as she 
always did when he was in the flesh — she places them 
on that table and retires, locking the door behind her, for 
one hour. At the expiration of that time she returns to 
clear away the things. She will not re-enter the room 
until the hour is expired for fear of frightening away his 
manes. 

“ ‘ Now, I have been acting the part of that poodle’s 
ghost for the last two weeks, and I am heartily sick of it ; 
besides, my business will not allow me to hang around 
there stealing the food away as fast as she lays it on the 
table. I dare not trust the servants to do it, for they 
would talk, and I wish her hallucination to remain a 
secret. If the food remains untouched once more, I fear 
I will have to send her to an asylum. It nearly finished 
her the last time it occurred. 

“ ‘ There is a private entrance from the garden to that 
room. I will give you the key, and instruct the gardener 
to admit you without asking questions. I will palm you 
off to her and the servants as the gardener’s assistant. Be 
on hand every morning at eight for breakfast, at one p. m. 
for dinner, and at six in the evening for supper. She is 
very punctual and we have no children ; so you need fear 
no interruption. As for the mystified servants, they are 
never allowed to enter the sacred chamber. Don’t steal 
any of the spoons or she’ll know that a human being was 
there. Do justice to each meal. What you can’t devour 
carry away in your pockets, and I’ll pay you your wages 
once a week.’ 

‘‘ When I entered that room next morning, I saw nothing 
in the ghost line, either human or canine ; but a one-eyed 


3 


1 8 ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 

observer, if present, would have seen something astonish- 
ing in the goblin line when I sat down to that table. I am 
not going to tantalize you fellows with a description of the 
viands. Breakfast is too common a name for it. It was 
a regular day junior. 

‘‘ Well, I stuck to that job, contented, for one week. 
Then I struck for more pay. 

‘ See here,’ said I ; ‘ this thing of roast turkey, chicken, 
quail, grouse, pigeon and canvas-back duck is beginning 
to tell on me.’ 

“ ^ What’s the trouble ? ’ he asked. 

‘ Why,’ said I, ‘ the first thing I know I’ll have feath- 
ers growing on me. I can feel the transformation at work 
within me already. No wonder the dog died. I feel that 
I can’t stand the strain any longer unless you double my 
pay.’ 

‘ The food’s fit for an epicure ! ’ said he. 

“ ‘ Epicure is only a polite name for a cultured hog,’ 
said I ; ^ and if I were a hog I’d be satisfied.’ 

“ Then I appealed to his better nature. 

‘ Look at my clothing,’ said I. ‘Some men think 
themselves badly used when obliged to work for their 
board and clothes ; but here I am, boarding myself and 
working for wages that don’t dress me decently. Why, I 
nearly faint with shame when I go into the presence of 
those decorated dinner sets, cut glass ware, and flowers, 
in this shabby rig. The incongruity of it takes the edge 
right off my appetite. Give me enough pay to enable me 
to dress up to the food I eat and I’ll stand by you as long 
as my stomach holds out.’ 

“ ‘ Well, I’ll do it,’ said he, after a long pause. ‘ But, 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


9 


remember, this is final. Let me hear no more complaints.’ 

Well, boys ; I kept that job just six months. Then 
the poor lady went to join her pet, and her husband was 
ungrateful enough to fire me without a reference the day 
after the funeral.’' 


A NIGHT IN A BARN. 

One of the ‘‘boys” scribbling with a pencil on the 
barn wall turned the conversation to literature. 

“Yes, I tried my hand once,” said the leader, “and 
failed dismally. I couldn’t be popular because I aimed 
at popular errors, and you can’t expect a man to thank you 
for slapping him in the mouth. Here is my first venture.” 
Drawing from his coat pocket a copy of The Boston Herald 
dated April 21, 1889, he read 

THE PEDLER’S story. 

As soon as she opened the door he walked in, sat down, 
and told the following tale ; 

“ In the course of my rambles near the sea shore, I 
was obliged one evening, to ask a wealthy farmer for a 
night’s lodging. 

“ ‘ Why certainly,’ said he, with a promptness that sur- 
prised me. ‘ Glad of a chance to help a fellow creature 


20 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


along. Would you mind sleeping in that barn yonder ? 
It is snug and clean. I use it only to store hay, my 
cattle being housed in that other one further away from 
the beach.’ 

‘‘ I thanked him for his kindness, and, as it was already 
growing dark, he took a bunch of keys, unlocked the door 
and ushered me in. 

“ ‘ There,’ said he ; ‘ you can make a bed in the hay. 
I shall lock you in and be around early in the morning to 
let you out. Good night.’ 

‘‘ Making as comfortable a bed as possible in the hay 
near the gable end, I lay down ; but, although I had been 
ready to drop with fatigue before I entered that barn, I 
lay there for two hours without closing my eyes. 

“ At last I sat up with my back against the wall. 

‘ ‘ What could be the matter with me ? I was never 
troubled with insomnia before. Why did I keep thinking, 
thinking, until my head throbbed so that I could hear it ? 
Why was that man so eager to accommodate me ? His 
willingness to shelter me for the night without asking my 
religious and political opinions was unnatural — inhuman, 
and, come to think of it, there was a ghoulish look in his 
eyes when he bade me good night. 

“ Pshaw ! This was all fancy— a delusion of the brain, 
arising from a piece of mouldy mince-pie bestowed upon 
me that morning by a piously economical old lady who 
wanted to lay up treasure in heaven. The idea of anybody 
expecting to ride to heaven on a nightmare ! 

Thus I raved and reasoned alternately for two hours 
longer, with my eyes fixed on a bright ray of moonlight 
which streamed through a chink in the wall above my head . 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


2 I 

I couldn’t keep my eyes off it. It looked, to my excited 
fancy, like a long, bright finger pointing at something, 
and I seemed to be waiting to see what it was. 

‘‘ Gradually, as the moon mounted higher in the 
heavens, that long, bright ray descended to the barn floor, 
until finally it rested upon — a pair of heavy top boots, 
with the toes turned up, sticking out from under a heap of 
hay at the other end of the barn. 

“ A cold wave swept through me, and my hair began to 
bristle like the tail of an indignant cat. Who could my 
fellow lodger be ? for surely there were feet in those boots 
or the toes wouldn’t be turned up. Why did he not make 
his presence known to me during all this time ? My en- 
trance must have awakened him, unless, — I hated to 
finish the sentence. 

‘ ‘ How long that ray of moonlight seemed to dwell upon 
those boots. I sat there glaring at them until I could bear 
it no longer. If the door had been left unlocked I would 
have rushed out — even into the wildest kind of a Storm. 
As matters stood I was cornered, and could easily imagine 
the feelings of a wild beast at bay. 

“ With a sudden, desperate resolve to know the worst 
at once, I rushed forward and, seizing hold of one of the 
boots shook it savagely, at the same time yelling, ‘ Wake 
up here ! ’ 

“ My worst fears were realized. Nothing but the last 
trumpet could awaken that man. 

“How I passed the remainder of that long, terrible night 
is a mystery to me. When at last morning dawned and 
mine host opened the door, he found me standing very 


22 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


close to it with my back turned carefully toward those aw- 
ful boots. 

‘ ‘ ‘ Good morning ! ’ he cried cheerily (he could be 
cheerful in the ghastly presence of his victim ! ) ‘ Did you 
enjoy a good night’s rest ? ’ 

‘‘ I gasped out an answer in the affirmative. 

‘‘ ‘ You don’t look as though you did,’ he remarked, 
eyeing me keenly. ‘ You look rather pale and worn. Did 
you see anything ? ’ 

‘ ‘ I told him I did not — fearing that the truth would 
cause him to murder me, also, on the spot. 

‘‘ ‘ Hum ! This is very interesting — very important,’ 
said he. ‘ You saiu nothing, and yet you look pale, hag- 
gard, terrified and — what’s this ? Why, your hair has 
turned gray ! Bless me ! In a single night, too. A most 
remarkable case. Pray sit down on this bench here and 
tell me how you felt during the past night ; ’ — here he drew 
a note-book and pencil from his pocket — ‘ be sure now to 
describe your sensations accurately.’ 

‘ What do you mean ? ’ I asked. 

“ ‘ Well, — must I explain ? Perhaps it is as well : The 
day before yesterday a schooner was driven ashore here in 
the storm that was raging, and one of her crew was lost. 
His body was washed ashore yesterday, and I am keeping 
it in the barn here until his friends come after it. I was 
wishing last night that somebody would come along and 
ask me for a night’s lodging, and my prayer was answered. 
By way of an experiment in the interest of science, I 
allowed you to sleep in that barn. I am a member of the 
Society for Phychical Research. Now, please tell me how 
you felt during the night.’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


23 


I suggested that the story was too excruciatingly 
creepy for an empty stomach, so he cheerfully invited me 
to breakfast with him, and I told him the tale as I’ve told 
it to you. 

‘‘ Now, madam, you can see for yourself that my hair is 
a glossy black without a silver thread in it. What restored 
it to its original color after that awful night ? 

One bottle of this invaluable hair-wash, madam — 
only one bottle, and only one dollar a bottle. Not a dye, 
I assure you. Can’t I sell you just one ? Let you have 
it for fifty cents, and I’ll warrant — stay ! Don’t unchain 
the dog ! I’ll go ! ” 


24 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


THE FORCE OF HABIT. 

You fellows may have noticed that I keep twirling my 
mustache — even after it’s shaved off. That’s the force 
of habit, and a mighty queer study it is. 

“ One night a woman living in a little village, not loo 
miles from here, left her home for the purpose of commit- 
ting suicide by drowning ; partly because she was tired of 
living, partly because so many cases of suicide had occurred 
just about that time, that she thought it was the proper 
caper ; but mostly because she was always in hot water, 
and yearned with a wild yearning to make a change onto 
cold. 

“ Of course it was like going from silly to — to — ” 

‘‘ Looney,” suggested the man who was drying a 
“ soldier ” on the stove to make smoking tobacco. 

‘‘ No, no ; it’s something in Greek mythology ; the one 
was a waterspout and t’other a whirlpool ; while steering 
clear of one, you’d fall into the other. I forget the name. 
Let it go. 

“ She knew that about one mile from her house there 
was a bridge spanning the waters of a deep, wide stream ; 
and from that bridge she resolved to take the step from 
time to eternity. Rising quietly at about midnight, she 
dressed with her customary care ; washed her hands and 
face — forgetful of the bath she was about to take — and 
did her hair up neatly. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


25 


“ She then left the house, but hadn’t gone twenty paces 
when she found that a drizzling rain was falling, and 
hurried back for her umbrella ; tried to find her rubbers, 
but failed, and it came near making her give up her pro- 
ject. After some hesitation she concluded to take the risk 
of damp feet, and set out once more on her fatal journey. 

“ About half a mile from home, on the lonesome coun- 
try road she saw a man coming towards her. 

I was that man. 

‘ ‘ Good heavens ! What if it was a tramp and he should 
take it into his wicked head to strangle her to death for the 
sake of her trinkets and small change ? Trembling with 
terror she turned towards her home, and was about to fly 
when she saw a man, evidently a comrade of the other, 
coming from that direction. 

‘ ‘ There was nothing for it but to hide among the trees 
at the roadside, and wait until they met and passed on. 

Now, the fact is that that man was her husband, and 
when I met him we were only a stone’s throw from the 
place where she was concealed. She could see us, but 
couldn’t hear the conversation that took place. 

“ He asked me if I had seen a woman on the road. I 
told him I had, and asked him what of it. 

“ ‘ She’s my wife,’ said he. ‘ She left the house tonight 
in a very mysterious way, and I would have known nothing 
about it if she hadn’t returned and woke me up rummaging 
around for something. Thinking it was a burglar, I said 
nothing, but got up quietly and went to my wife’s room, 
so’s to protect her. Finding her bed empty I knew it was 
her, but delayed so much in getting down stairs that she 
got quite a start ahead of me. I have no idea why she 


4 


26 


ADVENTURES OF. A TRAMP. 


went out at this hour of the night, but I have my sus- 
picions.’ 

‘ ‘ He ground his teeth, and I knew right off that he was 
of a jealous turn of mind. Probably it was that very dis- 
position of his that drove the woman to self-destruction. 

‘ ‘ ‘ Do you think she’s eloping with another man ? ’ I 
asked, by way of a cautious, delicate feeler. 

“ ‘ Never mind,’ said he ; ‘ where did you meet her ? ’ 

‘‘ ‘ Now, keep quiet,’ said I. ‘ She’s hiding among the 
trees up the road, and only waitirig for us to pass on be- 
fore she continues her walk, If you suspect her of any 
crookedness I’d advise you to walk on in my direction a 
short distance, and then when she resumes her journey, 
dog her and see what comes of it.’ 

“ ‘ All right,’ said he. ‘ You come along and help me 
to lick the scoundrel and I’ll give you five dollars.’ 

“ I agreed. In fact I wanted a little excitement to 
while away the hours of the night, and I rather hoped 
that his suspicions would turn out to be correct. 

“ Well, she waited until the sound of our footsteps 
died out in the distance, and then went on her way. We 
followed, taking care to keep her in view and make no 
noise to alarm her. 

“ Presently she was brought to a halt by a large puddle 
of water which covered the whole width of the road, but 
was not more than ankle-deep in any part. Yet, rather 
than wet her feet, this woman on the way to drown her- 
self climbed over the fence at the side of the road and 
made a detour, climbing back into the road again dry- 
shod and triumphant. 

“ At last she arrived at the fatal bridge and paused — 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


27 


not in doubt or indecision, for she had not for a moment 
wavered in her resolution during her long walk ; but she 
stopped to brush a few specks of mud from her skirts, 
and arrange her ideas for the next world. 

“ ‘ She’s waiting there to meet the villain,’ said her 
husband. 

“ ‘ Keep back,’ said I, ‘ and wait till he appears.’ 

‘‘ Stepping to the railing of the bridge, she leaned over 
to see how the water looked before she leaped. It was 
in the shadow of the bridge on that side, and looked 
dark, dreary, forbidding. She shuddered and went over 
to the other side where the light of the full moon shone 
upon the water — ” 

“ ‘ Thought it was raining,’ interrupted the man who, 
by this time, was smoking the “ soldier.” 

‘‘ ‘ Glad to find that you've been paying attention to 
my story, Mr. Fresh. It 7C’as raining at first, but in the 
meantime it cleared off.’ 

“ ‘ Mighty convenient weather,’ observed the veteran 
smoker. ‘ Go on. Don’t wait till it’s cloudy.’ 

“ The rippling water seemed to murmur a welcome; 
and, without considering the fact that the current was 
bearing swiftly in the direction of that dark, repulsive 
shadow, she plunged headlong into the stream. 

“ Did I jump in after her.^ Well, I guess not, it was 
too wet. But her husband did, and 1 don't know what 
would have become of him if I hadn’t the presence of 
mind to stand on the bridge and encourage him with 
cheering words to go in and win. 

“ In a few minutes he had her safe on the bank and 
was asking her, rather gruffly, what she meant by this. 


28 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ Now, from the very moment when she felt his grasp 
upon her shoulder, and knew that she was rescued, a big, 
brawny, hickory-faced Lie had been lying in ambush be- 
hind her lips, ready to pounce out upon and settle the 
first straightforward question that came along. 

“ ‘ I must have been walking in my sleep,’ said she. 
‘ O, Jawge ! I never before knew that I was a somnam- 
bulist.’ 

“ He called me aside and asked me if I was going to 
be in the village next day, and when T told him I was, he 
handed me a five dollar bill and told me it was a plaster 
to keep my mouth shut. 

“ The bill was soaking wet, but I told the bartender 
next morning that it was the perspiration of my brow.” 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


29 


THE THEOSOPHICAL TRAMP. 

“ Theosophy is something I never studied deeply 
enough to hurt my head, so 1 know nothing about it ex- 
cept what I learned from the Theosophical Tramp — and 
that was that he himself was a fraud of the first water. 
He used to make a study of all the religious fads as they 
came out, and then work them, and the guileless fadists, 
for all they were worth. 

“ I was in his company shortly after he took up the 
study of Theosophy, and saw him try one of his games on 
one who, he believed, was a member of the Society. 

“That morning he had swiped a daily paper from a 
doorway, and was carefully looking over the death notices 
when I came upon him. 

“ ‘ I find here,’ said he, ‘ the obituary of a member of 
the Theosophical Society who has — a — ’ 

“ ‘ Croaked,’ says I. 

“‘Young man,’ says he, with a severe look, ‘Theo- 
sophists never ‘ croak’ — never die. Our beloved brother 
has attained the Nirvana, and as soon as I make a note 
of the name and address, I shall go and console the be- 
reaved widow and see if I can’t work her for his cast-off 
raiment.’ 

“ ‘What are you giving us ? ’ I asked. 

“ ‘You are not posted on I'heosophy,’ says he. You 
are not able, like me, to master such words as Khoot 


30 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


Hoomi^ Nirvana^ Koko )^crmma, Mahatnia^ etc., because 
they are beautiful, mystical words which prove that we 
are deep in the mysteries of the Kamma Lookha.’ 

Of course I didn’t know what he was driving at, and 
he gave me no further explanation, but went at once to 
the residence of the late Theosophist where he mounted 
the steps and rang the bell. He later on gave me an 
account of his interview with the widow. 

‘ Madam,’ said he, ‘ am I right in supposing that this 
was the abode of the late Theosophical brother, ere he 
attained the Nirvana 'I ’ 

“ ‘ My husband was a Theosophist,’ said the widow, 

‘ but I didn’t believe in his peculiar doctrine, and never 
could understand the jargon you are using.’ 

“ ‘I beg pardon, ma’am,’ said my friend; ‘but I am 
aware that the ignorant masses have not yet reached the 
plane of spiritual development in which such language is 
understood. We Theosophists scorn such language as 
‘ corned-beef, cabbage and spuds ; pork and beans : ham 
and eggs ; pie, etc.,’ even though we hunger for the same, 
as I do at present. What I meant to ask was this ; was 
your husband, who is supposed to be dead, but who has 
only been translated, or transmigrated to a higher sphere, 
a man of about my size and shape ? ’ 

“ ‘ I don’t understand you,’ said the widow. 

“ ‘ And yet my language is plain,’ said my friend ; ‘but 
perhaps I had better give you the details : your husband 
was nearly perfect, and therefore when he passed from his 
former body he was not obliged, as a less perfect being 
would be, to sojourn for a number of years in Kamma 
Lookha ; but he, in spirit, was able to pass at once into 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 3 1 

a perfect body. That body you now see before you in 
the person of a man who is in need of respectable cloth- 
ing ; so you will please let me have at least a part of the 
wardrobe of my deceased brother.’ 

“ ‘You audacious rascal ! ’ cried the widow. ‘ Of all 
the impudent, cheeky tramps I ever saw, you are the 
worst! But I’ll fix you! If my husband passed from 
one body into another he is now in the body of our dog — 
a nobler animal than you ! Here Tiger ! Catch him !’ 

“ 'Fhe Theosophical Tramp jumped for the door ; but, 
instead of carrying off a part of a gentleman’s wardrobe, 
he was very glad to Feave behind, in a big Newfoundland 
dog’s mouth, one of his own coat-tails.” 


32 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


THE DUDE TRAMP. 

“ J’m aware that the idea is prevalent among you 
fellows that if a man washes himself oftener than once a 
month, he’s a dude. 

“ Now, there’s no necessity for a man to let his hands 
and face become fertile enough for onions, through dread 
of being considered a dude ; for the line between dudish- 
ness and neatness is too broadly drawn for that. 

“ Cleanliness is better policy than honesty, for you can 
tell a lie with a clean face and gain credence quicker than 
if you told the truth with a dirty one. 

“ I was acquainted with a tramp — I mean a peripatetic 
philosopher, who was called, by the chumps who didn’t 
know any better, the Dude Tramp. 

That man would wear a collar and tie when he hadn't 
a shirt to fasten them on to, and nobody was the wiser. 
He always carried a comb, and a cake of scented soap in 
a small round box which had a mirror on the inside of the 
lid ; and a razor which he stropped on his boot-leg. He 
carried a whisk broom down the leg of one boot, and in 
the leg of the other a shoe-brush. Of course he couldn’t 
make a walking toilet-stand of himself, and had to econo- 
mize his room ; so he used the shoe-brush as a hair-brush 
also, but he always brushed his hair first. He carried a 
box of blacking in one pocket and a lather brush in an- 
other ; as for a towel, he’d always manage to perform his 
ablutions near some clothesline. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


33 


“ When his black coat began to get rusty looking he 
got a sheet of clean white paper and, folding it neatly, 
stuck it in the upper front pocket of that coat — leaving 
about three inches of the end exposed to public view. 
This answered the double purpose of giving him a 
business-like appearance, and making the coat look 
blacker, by contrast, than it really was. 

‘‘ You may ask, what was the good of all this ? Well, 
he got his reward for it, and I’ll tell you how. 

“ I was travelling with him once when we struck the 
hotel of an out-of-the-way western town, where they didn’t 
know the meaning of 4th of July yet. 

“ After introducing me to the landlord as his valet, he 
told a long and beautifully worded story of how he was 
making a tour of this wild, western country with his escort 
and retinue, when his coach was attacked by stage rob- 
bers, escort and retinue ruthlessly murdered ; their jewelry, 
money, horses — everything stolen, and himself and valet 
barely escaping with their lives. Would the landlord 
kindly lend him pen, ink, paper and stamps to write home 
for a remittance from his uncle, the arch-duke of Inspruck ? 

“ Believe him Why, he looked so neat and gentle- 
manly, and told his story in such good shape, that 1 
almost believed him myself, and my eyes filled with tears 
at his graphic description of the brutal murder of his 
defenceless retinue. 

“The proprietor of that hotel offered him the run of 
the house and the use of his wardrobe — pending the 
arrival of that remittance. 

“ That landlord was a crank moralist ; a man so severely 
religious that if he ever did get to heaven he brought a 


5 


34 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


cold wave in with him, and distinguished himself the 
first thing by finding fault with the angels for looking 
cheerful. 

“ He had a hard time of it with his servant girls ; for 
if he caught one of them smiling or looking sideways at a 
gentleman boarder he would be sure to lecture her, and 
if she had spunk enough to talk back, out she’d go. In 
this way he managed to have a new chamber maid or 
table girl every few days, for the girls would speak when 
spoken to, and even go so far as to look pleasant when 
they were in a good humor. His wife, who was about 
twenty years younger than him, was a good-looking and 
lady-like woman, and always treated the girls well. 

“She seemed to take kindly to his royal nibs, my 
master, and, while standing behind his chair at the dinner 
table, I noticed that they did considerably more talking 
with their eyes than with their tongues ; and they weren’t 
silent either. But I thought nothing of this at the time. 

“ One day, while one of the girls was dusting the furni- 
ture and bric-a-bj^ac, and the stern old moralist was peep- 
ing at her through the crack of the door, to see if he could 
catch her flirting with the bust of Shakespeare, his royal 
highness entered the room by another door and handed 
her a sealed note ; at the same time whispering something 
which the landlord couldn’t hear. 

“ As soon as he left the room the landlord rushed in 
and demanded the note from the girl. She refused in- 
dignantly. 

“ ‘ Very well,’ said the old man ; ‘ then I’ll give you 
just three days to find another place. I’ll have no such 
disreputable characters as you in my house.’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


35 


“ ‘What is the matter, William Henry?’ asked his 
wife, who had heard the fuss and came in to see what it 
was about. 

“ ‘ I want her to show me the note she has just received 
from one of my boarders,’ said he, ‘and if she doesn’t 
show it and prove herself innocent, she'll have to get out. 
I’m not going to have the reputation of my house injured 
by the like of her.’ 

“ ‘ The note is not intended for you,’ said the girl, 

‘ nor for me either. I was asked to hand it to a certain 
person in this house, and I’m not going to tell you who ; 
it's none of your business.’ 

“ ‘ A mere subterfuge,’ said the old man, ‘ but it isn’t 
going to hoodwink me.’ 

“ ‘ Would you mind letting me see it, Sarah Jane ? ’ 
asked the lady sweetly. 

“ ‘ Certainly not, ma’am ;’ and the girl handed the note 
to her mistress, who took it over to the window and read it. 

“ ‘ Now, William Henry,’ said she, ‘you ought not to 
be so hasty. The note is addressed to another party, 
and there is no harm in it, I assure you.’ And she 
handed the note back to the girl, who put it in her pocket. 

“ But the landlord wasn’t satisfied ; he was too much 
afraid of his wife to say any more ; but he resolved to 
watch that girl’s room all that night and fire her out in the 
morning if his suspicions proved to be well founded. 

“The hotel was along rambling building, with the 
landlord’s apartments at one end and the servants’ rooms 
at the other. He prowled around the corridor all that 
night, but caught nothing but a heavy cold. 

“ Next morning his wife was ‘missing ; also the Prince ; 


3 ^ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


and a brief investigation disclosed the fact that all her 
jewelry and about $5000 in money were gone too. 

“ The first I knew about it was when he came into the 
bar-room, and, after swallowing about a pint of whiskey, 
threw himself heavily into a chair. 

“ He hadn’t been sitting there long when the servant 
girl entered — the picture of triumph. 

“ ‘ Now, Mr. Smarty,’ said she, ‘ would you like to see 
that bit. of a note ? I’m only too willing to show you it, 
now.’ 

“ No answer. He didn’t even look up. 

“ ‘ Very well,’ she went on ; ‘if you don't want to read 
it I will, and in the presence of this young man, who, it 
seems, hasn't followed his master yet.’ 

“ Then she pulled out the note and read : 

“ Dear Baby : 

I shall contrive to hand this note to the girl 
while hubby is looking on. That will turn his attention 
to the other end of the house and give you a chance to 
pack up your things and slip out. I shall have the team 
ready for the start at eleven o’clock. 

Yours ever, 

Prince D’Inspruck. 

P. S. Don’t forget the boodle. 

“ I thought it was about time for me to get out then, 
and I lost no time about it. I don't know what ever be- 
came of the Dude Tramp, but as he was never seen on 
the road again, I conclude that he made the best of his 
runaway match, and as soon as a divorce was obtained 
got married to the woman and settled down. So you see 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 37 

the advantages of being neat in personal appearance and 
having a good address. 

“That man would lie, steal and do anything rather 
than work ; but he always got a square meal and god- 
speed where a horny-fisted workingman, who waits until 
he is half dead before asking for a bit to eat, and then 
asks for it with a week's growth of beard on his face, 
would get three months in jail for vagrancy. 

“ It is a stale platitude, I know, but some of you fellows 
can't be reminded too often of the fact that ‘ cleanliness 
is next to godliness ’ and ‘virtue is its own reward.’ ” 


BURIED TREASURE. 

“ Speaking of the Dude Tramp,” continued the Boss, 
‘ ‘ reminds me of one who was just the reverse in the matter 
of personal cleanliness. I never chummed with him to any 
alarming extent — never cared to walk with him much, for 
he made the air unwholesome even among the mountains 
or on the sea shore. When a man becomes so fond of 
one shirt that he wears it constantly until it becomes a sort 
of second skin to him, it is time for him to be ostracised 
from the society of people who like a change once in a 
while — and who im/l change if they have to tackle some- 
body’s clothes-line. 

“ But one day I met him coming out of a woods with 


38 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


a clean white shirt on, and otherwise neatly dressed. I 
hardly knew the man. But for the old familiar odor I 
wouldn’t have recognized him. 

‘‘‘Hello, Bill!’ says I. ‘What’s this? Has your 
uncle died and left you his cast off gear ? ’ 

“ ‘ None of your business,’ says he, quite saucy. ‘ Who 
are you, anyhow ? I don’t seem to know you.’ 

“ ‘ O, come off 1 ’ says I. ‘You needn’t put on airs 
because -you’ve struck a change of linen. You’re not the 
only man on earth who can change his shirt once in a life- 
time. Why, I changed mine a week ago.’ 

“ ‘ That ain’t the thing,’ says he. ‘ When a man shuns 
me in the hour of adversity, and then fawns upon me when 
I am prosperous, why I know how to treat him.’ 

“ ‘ Come down off your perch,’ says I, flaring up, ‘ or 
I’ll pull you down and walk on you 1 Don’t talk to me 
about fawning when I am only showing my surprise, which 
is only natural when I see a skunk suddenly transformed 
into a Tom-cat — barring the smell. Don’t say ‘ hour of 
adversity’ when you mean a life-time of inexcusable fllth, 
and don’t call yourself prosperous till you take a bath.’ 

“ ‘You don’t need to get your shirt off^ — -’ he began. 

“ ‘ You did,’ says I, interrupting. 

“ ‘ I mean you needn’t get your back up for nothing,’ 
he went on. ‘ You know very well you never would chum 
with me.’ 

“ ‘ I don’t want to chum with you now,’ says I. ‘ I 
merely ask you where you got the clean outfit. Of course 
you stole ’em.’ 

“ ‘Of course I did not,’ says he, and after a moment’s 
thought — ‘ I don’t mind telling you. But what’s the use ? 
You won’t believe me.’ 


ADVKNTURES OF A TRAMP. 


39 


“ ‘ Try me once,’ says I. 

‘‘ ‘ I found ’em back here in the woods,’ says he. 

“ ‘ Last night I saw a man coming in here with a bun- 
dle under his arm. It was getting dark, and I was afraid 
to follow him ; but I hung around right here for about an 
hour, and saw him come out again so changed that I 
hardly knew him, for he had changed all his clothing. I 
waited till this morning and then went in and made a 
search. This is what I found — this suit of clothes ; and 
this is the suit that man had on when he went in here last 
night.’ 

“ ‘ Find anything else ? ’ I asked. 

“ ‘ Nothing else,’ says he. ‘ By the way — that reminds 
me that he had a shovel with him when he went in, and he 
didn’t bring it out again. I couldn’t find it, though. 
Well, I guess I’ll be going. If you’re not coming my way 
I’ll see you later.’ 

‘‘ When he got off a little he stopped, as if he had just 
remembered it, and shouted back, ‘ Say, you didn’t hear 
of the bank robbery in the city last night, did you ? ’ 

“ I didn’t answer him for I was thinking, and he went 
on his way. 

“ I thought hrst of all, that he was the biggest fool 
alive, not to catch on to the mystery of the stranger, the 
shovel and the change of clothes. A bank robbery ; the 
burglar alarmed, takes his boodle ' into the woods and 
buries it ; changes his clothing to disguise himself, as he 
fears the police are on his track — why it was a clear case ; 
and there was that blockheaded Bill, perfectly satisfied 
with a suit of clothes, and never suspecting that there was 
a fortune hid in the vicinity. Bill always was a fool. 


40 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ I decided to make a search of the woods ; and, while 
searching, all the stories I had ever read or heard of rob- 
bers, pirates and buried treasure, came crowding into my 
head. 

“ Sure enough, in a clump of bushes I found an old 
rusty shovel bearing the marks of recent use. This gave 
the color of truth to Bill’s story ; and after a further search 
I found a place where the ground had been disturbed, and 
just above it, dangling by a string from the limb of a tree, 
was a stone tied up in a piece of note paper. It read : 

‘‘ ‘ Dig directly under this stone. There are millions 
in it.’ 

“ I held the stone up to the end of the string, let it drop 
plumb, and began to dig. I soon struck something that 
felt like a bag. After scraping away the dirt I took hold 
of it and pulled out — what do you suppose ? Bill’s old 
shirt ! Sure enough there were millions in it, and they 
were still living and raising families. 

“ I don’t know why he buried it. He was full of prac- 
tical jokes ; but when I thought of how he had played it 
on me, and how I had wasted a pint of pity on him be- 
cause he looked so uncomfortable in his clean shirt, I felt 
as if it would be an act of charity for somebody to come 
along and kick me.” 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


41 


THE WHITE CAPS. 

‘‘ One evening between nine and ten o’clock as I was 
walking along a country road , and wondering where I was 
going to put up for the night, my attention was called to a 
smell so intensely odoriferous as to be almost visible. 

“ ‘Phew ! ’ thinks I, ‘ there must be an army of skunks 
around somewhere.’ 

‘ ‘ But no ; a man with a pillow-slip on his head and a 
bundle of birch rods under his arm stepped out from be- 
hind a tree and asked me for a chew of tobacco. 

“ ‘ The object of our organization is to reform society,’ 
said he, after biting off nearly half of my plug. ‘ We 
mean to regulate the morals of our fellowmen, and when 
we git this community purified we’ll pass on to another 
and keep the good work going.’ 

‘ ‘ I couldn’t help but notice that, while he was talking 
to me, he kept scratching himself as if his principles were 
so large that he couldn’t contain them, and they kept 
oozing out at every pore — causing an intolerable itch. 

“ ‘ I’d advise you to give up the business,’ said I. 
‘Human nature is so perverse that it is utterly impossible 
for you to make angels of men and women unless you can 
furnish them with wings so that they can soar.’ 

“ ‘ Well,’ said he, ‘ if we haven’t got the wings we’ve 
got the feathers and tar to stick ’em on with, and these 
rods’ll make ’em sore. This world if gettin’ so tarnal 
wicked that I shedn’t be a bit surprised to see the earth 
open and swaller it up. We propose to put our feet right 
down on it and crush it out. We mean, moreoverly, to 
maintain everything that’s good and just. Justice is our 


6 


42 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


best hold. It’s our intention to uphold freedom of opinion 
and speech, and flog the internal conceit right outen the 
chump that says we’re not right.’ 

“ Said I : ‘ If you’re such a saintly man as all that, and 
your purpose such a high and holy one, why in the name 
of common sense do you hide the light of your angelic 
countenance under a dirty white pillow slip ? I should 
think that if you went around in broad daylight and 
showed them your face, all the sinners in this section of 
the country would pack up and move.’ 

‘ ’Twould never do,’ said he. ‘ They’d only go 
somewhere else. What we want to do is to convert ’em, 
and we’ll do it if we have to convert ’em into zebras with 
these rods. Besides, the white cap is the badge of the 
brotherhood, and moreoverly, we’re obliged to wear ’em 
as a disguise ; for you know very well that the corrupt 
press, pulpit and bar is agin us. Perhaps you’d like to 
know what I am here for tonight ? 

“ I nodded, and he pointed to a house a few rods 
away. There was an enclosed yard in front of it, and 
down near the gate there was a pump. 

“ ‘ In that ere house,’ said he, ‘there lives a girl of 
fourteen who is in the habit of coming out every evening 
after dark. Her parents are too careless of her moral 
welfare to keep her in, so we are obliged to make an ex- 
ample of her. I'm lying in wait for her now, and when 
she comes out she’ll get a rebuke that she’ll feel for many 
a day. This birch rod is better than any hypocritical 
parson in the land.’ 

“ But perhaps she comes out on some business,’ said I. 

“ ‘ She comes out for a pail of water, every trip,’ said 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


43 


he ; ‘ but that's nothing. Discipline is everything, and 
it must be maintained at any cost. If we allowed her to 
leave the house after dark for a pail of water, others 
would take advantage of our leniency and come out after 
a pail of beer probably ; you see we’ve got to be strict or 
everything will go to smash.’ 

I held out my hand. 

‘ Put it there,’ said I, in a tear-stained voice. ‘ Put 
it there ! This is the happiest moment of my checkered 
life ! My mother, whose advice I would never take, must 
be praying for me at this moment. You're the first man 
I ever met since I took to the road as a professional 
tramp who caused me to swell with honest pride. These 
tears are tears of joy. Never, until I met you, did I 
dream that hope could spring afresh in this ostracised 
chest,’ — and I smote it with my disengaged hand; — ‘ I 
was beyond despair ; I was hardened. I thought I was 
pretty low down on the social ladder ; but, thank heaven ! 
there is somebody lower down than me. I am sorry to 
tell you, my poor fellow, that that ladder is planted firmly 
upon your body, and you’ll be obliged to turn the whole 
universe completely upside down if you want to get on top! ’ 

Well, sir; he pulled out a whistle, blew it, and the 
first thing I knew I was the centre of a howling pack of 
two-legged wolves, with white pillow slips on their heads 
and birch rods in their hands. They went through me 
ostensibly for deadly weapons, but really to confiscate my 
pipe, tobacco, jack-knife and seven cents. 

“ Then my friend, the captain, drew a revolver and 
told me to take off my coat and get myself into dish-a-billy 
as soon as possible. 


44 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ Just then something occurred that spoiled their fun 
and saved me from a flogging. 

‘‘ The captain got to fooling with the pistol and it went 
off by accident. The report nearly scared the lives out 
of the cowardly pack. You never saw such a stampede 
in all your life, and in three minutes there wasn’t a white 
cap within a mile of the place. 

“ The girl came out and got her pail of water, and I 
went in and struck her folks for a night’s lodging, but 
they were afraid of tramps and refused.” 


GETTING RICH. 

An old chum of mine, named Jay Burd, said that the 
only way to get rapidly rich is to work your fellowmen’s 
credulity or weakness for all it’s worth ; so we put our 
level heads together and concluded to try the weakness 
racket first. 

‘‘ I had twenty dollars which I earned by the sweat of 
my brow, at the rate of five dollars a drop ; Burd had 
fifteen, and with this capital we rented a shanty in a pro- 
hibition town ; bought ten gallons of whiskey at the rate 
of one dollar a gallon ; watered it judiciously, and retailed 
it at ten cents a thimbleful. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


45 


“ Business was beginning to boom when the sheriff 
came down like a wolf on the fold and scooped in the 
whole plant with the exception of the proprietors, who 
took to the Vv'oods. 

“ I was for giving up, but Jay wouldn’t have it. 

“ ‘ Bountiful Nature,’ said he, ‘ has provided a remedy 
for every ill flesh is heir to ; the greatest of these ills is 
poverty, and we are afflicted, or will be as soon as our 
little pile is gone. Now, Nature will not point out her 
great remedies ; she lets us find them for ourselves, and 
you can thank my shrewdness for the cure which is dis- 
covered. I have found the medicine.’ 

“ ‘ And what is it ? ’ I asked, thinking he must be off 
his base. 

“ ‘ A compound of molasses, water, allspice and worm- 
wood,’ said he. ‘ Brimstone Bitters, my boy, is the cure 
for our poverty. Now, let us make our plans at once. 
I’ll be the business manager, — concoct the medicine, buy 
the bottles, and run the establishment under the name of 
Doctor Jay Burd & Co. You can do the literary work : 
get up the attractive labels for the bottles, write the testi- 
monials from Omaha, Alaska, Hong Kong and Timbuctoo, 
— we can buy a small press cheap and print them in 
pamphlet form, with a treatise on Disease and its Cure 
copied from some other doctor’s book.’ 

“Well, we hunted up a sickly town ; hired a shop, and 
got in all the necessary ingredients. He mixed the stuff 
and put it up in pint bottles ; he knew more about chemis- 
try than I did, so I let him do that part of the work while 
I printed the labels and pasted them on. 

“They read like this : 


46 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


DR. JAY SURD’S BRIMSTONE BITTERS. 

A Sure and Speedy Cure for 

Swelled Head, Unrequited Love, Hams, Loss of 
Cheek, Want of Push, Consumption, Corns, Baldness — 
and every disease to which flesh is heir to. 

It is also the best insect exterminator on earth, 
and will remove Water bugs. Potato bugs, bugbears. 
Bores and Dandruff. 

Rats cannot live in the same house with it. 

This is no wretched and worthless compound of 
Molasses and Water ! 

Beware of vile imitations ! None genuine without 
signature of proprietor. $100 per bottle. 

Jay Burd, M. D. 

Well, we got along all right, until somehow or other 
our customers began dropping off until at last we hadn’t 
one left. Now, I always said that we were hounded to 
ruin by the patent medicine men, some of them having 
gone so far in their unchristian-like envy and jealousy as 
to analyze our stuff ; but Jay insisted on it that it was all 
my fault ; that one of the testimonials I wrote did the 
business. He said that I tried to be funny and not only 
failed in it but caused both of us to fail in our business. 
As near as I can remember the testimonial read this way : 

“ ‘ Hong Kong, China, April i. 
Messrs. Jay Burd, M. D. & Co. : 

Gents : For fifteen years I was a confirmed 
idiot. Used to make puns ; laugh at almanac jokes ; 
confide in my brother ; associate with church members ; 
lend money to my bosom friend ; believe everything I 
heard that had the least semblance of truth in it ; apologize 
when I trod on a stranger’s corns, and imagine that wom- 
en were entitled to respect. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


47 


‘ ‘ But the day came when I was persuaded to try a bottle 
of your Bitters, and I am happy to say that my friends 
have all left me. My enemies no longer look upon me 
with joyful faces, the deceitful smile of woman haunts me 
no more. Doctors have abandoned as useless all thoughts 
of trying to collect bills from me. I have given up read- 
ing the newspapers, and devote the energies of my mind 
to the fabrication of original oaths. Have secluded my- 
self from all my species as the best means to avoid bad 
company. I am now waiting patiently for the grave to 
yawn and take me in. Enclosed you will find one dollar, 
for which please send me one more bottle of your in- 
valuable Bitters. I think it will finish me. 

Yours surely, 

Ah Sin.’ 

“ Just about that time there was a rumor that somebody 
in the Black Hills had found a nugget of gold as big as a 
cobble-stone ” — 

‘ ‘ And I suppose you and your mate bought a pick and 
shovel and started West,” said the man who was fitting the 
leg of a sock over his head to keep his ears warm. 

“ My mate and I invested nearly all the money we had 
in picks and shovels, young fellow. We bought 500 of 
them at reduced rates ; they cost us about $200 ; we went 
out there and sold them to the fever stricken diggers at 
ten dollars each. We cleared about $4,000 from that stroke 
of business, and might have returned to our old stamping 
grounds richer than any of the miners, but for the fact that 
we sat down to a game of poker one night and lost every 
cent ; we then bet our boots, and early next morning be- 
gan wending our barefooted way Eastward.” 


48 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


TRYING JOURNALISM. 

“ I never told you how Jay Burd and I went into jour- 
nalism for a brief spell. Of course we didn’t know the 
first thing about it ; but, if it is true that if a man wants 
to be thoroughly original in anything he undertakes he 
must begin on a solid basis of total ignorance, I must say 
that we were well qualified, for it was our intention to be 
original. 

We meant to start a weekly paper, and Jay said that 
we’d have to be careful and give it a name not borne by 
any other paper in the world ; so we thought and thought, 
and at last I said : 

‘‘ ‘Let us call it “ The Weekly Journal,” and the public 
will subscribe out of curiosity.’ We got two tramp print- 
ers to join us in consideration of equal shares in the 
profits ; they said that their consciences wouldn’t allow 
them to work on such a paper for less, and as we were in 
their power we agreed. 

“ We mailed sample copies of our first issue to various 
points, and in three days we had twenty-five subscribers 
and 2500 contributors ; the subscriptions then ceased, but 
the contributions kept pouring in every day for the rest of 
the week, so that we made enough money out of them to 
keep our little press going, for what the contributors had 
written by the yard we sold by the pound, — realizing a nice 
little sum. 

‘ ‘ In our next issue we announced that we would charge 
nothing for inserting advertisements, provided that the ad- 
vertisers would subscribe and pay in advance for one 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


49 


year’s subscription ; but as an offset to this, we stated that 
a charge would be made for inserting contributions, at the 
rate of twenty-five cents a line for smart-aleckisms in prose, 
and twenty-five dollars a yard for poetry. That stopped 
the flow of literature, though there were a few contributors, 
with more money and vanity than brains, who furnished 
us with a ‘ humorous column ’ of matter which wasn’t 
meant to be laughed at by the writers ; but we had to en- 
large our paper to double its original size to make room 
for the ads, and even then were obliged to refuse hundreds. 
We wrote our own ‘ foreign correspondence ’ and ‘ special 
cablegrams,’ and hired no reporters ; nor did we need any. 
Jay and I made the acquaintance of every old lady of both 
sexes in the village, and took turn about chatting with 
them. 

“We got news enough in this way to start a daily with 
a morning and evening edition, if we only had the means. 

“ Jay wrote the editorials, literary notes, and art criti- 
cisms. ril give you a specimen of his style as 
The Art Critic : 

“ In consideration of having purchased five pounds of 
tea, I have been presented by my grocer with a beautiful 
picture : the masterpiece of John Smith. Mr. Smith is 
not as happy as usual, — I mean in the minor details of 
his work ; the subject is happy enough. It represents 
either a brother and sister or a pair of lovers : I have not 
made up my mind which. She is seated on a blue mossy 
bank under a tree, belonging to a species not found in 
this clime, or any other. He is looking on over her 
shoulder while she reads out of something that looks like 
a blank sheet of paper. 


50 ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 

“ Mr. Smith has been rather unfortunate in this piece. 
There are many faults. We must concede, however, that 
he gives us plenty of foreground, — in fact his horizon is 
in the foreground. But his middle distance protrudes a 
trifle too much, and his perspective has more prominence 
than is required by people not near-sighted. Were it not 
for the jet-black crescent adorning the upper lip of the 
youth, we might pretend to believe that the happy couple 
are children ; the cottage a toy house, and the mountain 
a sort of overgrown mole-hill. This would account for 
the lack of distance and other discrepancies. We pre- 
sume then that the couple are giants ; for the young lady, 
although seated, grazes her elbow against the roof of the 
cottage near by ; and the youth is three times as tall as 
the mountain on his right. 

“ These trifling defects, however, are redeemed by the 
abundance of light and freshness thrown into the picture, 
nor can too much be said in praise of the ingenuity of the 
artist who can unite so harmoniously in one scene, the four 
seasons of the year. 

“ From the yellow leaves of the tree, which is leaning 
with a dreamy air of repose against the bottle green sky, 
we infer that Autumn is at hand ; but the heavy ulster 
worn by the youth, sends a shiver through our frame, and 
we imagine we hear the fierce blast of Winter whistling 
through the boughs ; the next moment the perspiration 
breaks out on us as we catch sight of the gauzy white 
dress of the lady — proclaiming Midsummer. We glance 
downward, and in the navy blue grass at her feet there 
blooms a flower — resembling a daisy in shape, a rainbow 
in color, and a cabbage in size — which says Spring is here. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


5 


But why should a straw hat be worn with an ulster ? 
There is a dog frisking around. He has been economically 
colored with the same paint which gave the leaves of 
the tree their autumnal tint. He is chasing a flying mon- 
ster, with wings like a pair of peacock tails, the body of 
an alligator, the head of a bat, and the tail of a shark. 
This, probably, is a butterfly. We are at a loss to know 
the meaning of that bicycle half buried in the ground, 
with the spokes painted alternately red, gray, orange and 
purple, — the hub colored like the dog : a mangy yellow. 
Not wishing to be hard on any man, we would recognize 
this as the rising or setting sun, but the artist has made it 
impossible by making the weather vane on the gable end 
of the cottage point out the direction as due North ; and, 
with reference to this weather vane, what does he mean by 
giving a N. W. wind and at the same time making every 
blade of grass — and even the boughs of the tree — lean to 
windward ? Perhaps a whirlwind is intended ; we make 
all allowances. With all his faults the artist shows one 
great merit — originality. He has borrowed nothing from 
Nature, nor any of the other old masters. Blending too 
many colors is what spoils the work of this otherwise 
brilliant artist. He should use but one — white ; and 
we’d recommend a long-handled brush, as he is in the 
habit of painting so freely, to save him from splashes.” 

‘‘ The idea of a man wasting so much critical talent on 
a five-cent chromo. Called it his shade-over. Of course 
our paper failed updn a very short time. It was all his 
fault.” 


52 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


SURFACE SCIENCE. 

Jay Burd was what you might call a chronic fool. 

“No amount of experience could take the conceit out 
of him, or convince him that certain notions he had in his 
head were wrong ones. 

“ One of these notions was that he could read the 
human face like an open book,— bound in hide with the 
hair on, and printed in Family Bible type. 

‘ ‘ The worst of it was that when he got talking about 
the true inwardness of the superficial, he used words of 
about fourteen syllables ; — vehicles too cumbersome to 
convey themselves, to say nothing of conveying ideas. 

“ Some of the boys nicknamed him Dick Shinnery, but 
he wasn’t a bad sort of fellow in his lucid intervals, and 
besides he was an old chum of mine, so I never called him 
that. He made me so mad one day, though, that I opened 
a broadside and raked him fore and aft. 

“ ‘ Look here,’ said I, ‘ don’t clothe your ideas in over- 
coats and ulsters that reach clear down to their heels, with 
collars that turn up and cover their whole heads, so that 
I can’t see a speck of them. If you want to make me ac- 
quainted with them dress them in breech-clouts ; they 
won’t catch cold, and you needn’t be afraid of shocking 
my Comstockian modesty. I got bravely over such 
squeamishness when I cut my wisdom teeth. Hang it ! 
you talk to me as if I were an interviewer and you expect- 
ed to see your speech in the next issue of the Badgeville 
Whooper.’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 53 

“ It made him wild, but he knew there was no use in 
trying to bluff me, so he said bitterly : 

“ ‘ O, very well ; Til descend to the level of your com- 
prehension.’ 

“ ‘ Descend to the level of common sense,’ said I ; ‘give 
it to me in solid Anglo Saxon and I’ll forgive you for all 
past earaches.’ 

“ Well, he spoke plainer after that, but he hung onto 
his wrong ideas just the same. I was with him one day 
when he got both of us into trouble with his physiognomy. 

“ Now I’m not what you might call a professional sweet 
singer ; but when spring is coming on my head gets full 
of rhymes that you can hear rattle when I walk. It may 
be the music of the spears humming through my head, 

but I doubt it. At any rate when birds and waste baskets 
are chock full of song I feel like hunting around for simili- 
tude of sound. 

“ I'll never forget one sweet little spring poem, about 
three-quarters of a yard long, that I sent to a publisher. 
Not contented with returning it to me, he sent a note with 
it, telling me that I wasn’t incomprehensible enough to 
inspire awe and didn't know any more about poetic feet 
than a pig. I saw what he was up to ; he wanted to crush 
my soaring 3pirit. I was fool enough to reply by return 
post. I told him that if I didn’t know anything about 
poetic feet I ought to — for I was a poet and wore number 
eleven shoes. 

“ I’ll be hanged if he didn't publish t/iat under the 
caption of ‘ Unintentional Bon Mot.’ I had a good mind 
to sue him for breach of trust. Mean ? Some of them 
are mean enough to wear ready-made socks. 


54 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ Now, if you fellows promise not to throw anything 
until I get through I’ll give you my experience with Jay 
Burd and his surface science in rhymes, which I wrote with 
a pencil on a piece of brown paper in the jail where his 
conceit got both of us locked up for three months. For 
want of a better name I called it 

The Physiognomist’s Mistake. 

Dejected, wayworn, gaunt and pale. 

Two tramps sit on the tipper rail 
Of a fence enclosing farms which fail 

To hire. 

Why do they travel day by day ? 

Their last employers — so they say — 

Refused to raise their wretched pay 

Up higher. 

At yonder door a lady’s seen. 

Whose pleasant face and gentle mien 
Her bitterest foe could not, I ween, 

Deny her. 

Says one of the tramps : ‘Hn many a clime 
“ IVe studied faces many a time ; 
woman has a heart, or I’m 

A liar ! 

“ Charity’s beaming from her eye. 

‘‘ Dinner to us she carCt deny. 

“ At any rate — no harm to try ; 

Let’s try her.” 

Their piteous tale of woe is o’er ; 

She bids them enter, shuts the door, 

Places for each a chair before 


The fire ; 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


55 


Spreads on the cloth a meal complete, 

And then invites them both to eat 
In tones as musical and sweet 

As a lyre. 

Then on the cloth a wistful eye 
She cast, and saying with a sigh : 

‘ ‘ There’s only one thing more that I 

Require ; ” — 

She gave her little boy a can 

And whispered message. Off he ran. 

Our tramps the speed of that young man 

Admire. 

Exchanging many a wink and leer 
Now sparingly they eat, for fear 
They won’t have room to hold the beer 

Entire. 

The boy returns — the villainous asp ! 

They are in the town policeman’s grasp ! 

He hardly gives them time to gasp — 

Well: “ Fire!” 

O, treacherous woman! Costly meal ! 

Keenly they the injustice feel 

When they get three months. There’s no appeal 

Up higher.” 

"‘Yes, boys, we got three months simply for being 
hungry travellers, while a well-dressed pickpocket in the 
next cell to us was serving a sentence of thirty days for 
swiping a wipe. The more a man’s toes stick out through 
his broken boots, the more do his sins stick out in the 
eyes of the world. 


56 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ I won’t deny but what some of you fellows are pretty 
hard tickets ; — very hard human tickets ; - — but I’m not 
unreasonable enough to expect to find a perfect garden of 
moral grace in the bosom of a man who is walking on his 
uppers, with the gable end worn completely out of his 
trousers. 

‘ ‘ But what’s the use in moralizing ? 

“ I suppose you imagine that the dose of imprisonment 
cured Jay of his faith in surface science ? Why, before we 
were one hour in that cell he had me half talked to death 
on the subject of Phrenology ; and then, when I was in a 
weak and helpless condition, insisted on examining my 
head. What could I do ? He went to work with the 
solemnity of an owl and, after mauling me for ten or 
fifteen minutes, said : 

“ ‘I find that Nature’s original intention was to make a 
giant of you — physically and intellectually, but that, after 
constructing your feet, she changed her mind and built an 
ordinary sized man from the ankles up.’ 

“ That was pretty hard language to use toward a man 
who had shared many a handout with him. He was a 
great talker until it came to asking for food. Then he’d 
let me do the talking while he waited around the corner, 
and I didn’t forget to tell him so. 

‘Phrenology is a great science,’ said he. ‘ Never 
you mind what Emerson and others say about tempera- 
ment. What does a scholar, shut up in his study, know, 
compared with the man who walks the railroad ties with his 
wits eternally pressed against the grindstone of necessity ? 
Why, even a dog possesses the faculty of reading the hu- 
man mind from external signs. Did you ever notice how 
a village dog can tell one of us when he sees us ? ’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 57 

‘Yes,’ said T ; ‘ but it’s my opinion that in your case 
he's guided by the sense of smell.’ 

“ ‘ I tell you,’ said he, ‘ that if a man has a head 
shaped like the immortal Corsican, that man is a Bona- 
parte, and it isn’t temperament that keeps him down, but 
circumstances.’ 

“ ‘ For instance,’ said I, ‘ you have a head like Demos- 
thenes, but you havn’t the means to hire a hall.’ 

“ Then he asked me what I was going to do when our 
terms were out, and I told him I was going to look for a 
job of some kind. 

“ ‘ Let’s get a job,’ said he, ‘ and stick to it long 
enough to earn the capital required to start us book can- 
vassing. In the meantime I’ll give you a few pointers 
which, if you follow them, will lead you to success.’ 

“ He talked on for half an hour longer, telling me how 
a knowledge of the science of Phrenology would enrich a 
book canvasser in two months. 

“ But it’s getting late, so I’ll postpone until some other 
night my experiences as a book canvasser. My jaws are 
tired talking, so I guess I’ll turn in and try to woo the 
drowsy what’s-a-name in spite of the animal life that per- 
vades my virtuous bunk.” 


8 


58 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


BOOK CANVASSING. 

“ ‘ The successful canvasser, like the poet who writes 
for posterity, is born, not made,’ said Jay Burd. ‘‘He 
must be a bit of a Phrenologist and something of a Physi- 
ognomist : that is, he must possess the natural ability to 
read at a glance the character of a stranger. It would 
never do for you to ask him to sit down and let you ex- 
amine his bumps. He might put a few artificial bumps 
on you. No ; if you do not possess an intuitive knowledge 
of human character, based upon the two sciences I have 
named, you had better not undertake book-canvassing. 

“ Man, from a book-canvasser’s point of view, may be 
studied under three distinct heads. 

“ First, take the self-sufficient individual. Owing to 
the abnormal development of the organ of self-esteem, 
which is located in the back part of the upper story, he 
carries his head well thrown back and walks as if this 
world was made for his special beneht— and he thinks so. 

“ The canvasser must approach this man with meek 
deference, and address him with a word and a bow 
alternately. Tell him that in order to head your subscrip- 
tion list with the name of a leading citizen, you call upon 
him first, and beg to call his attention, as a well known 
judge of such matters, to the Cyclopedia which you now 
hold before him. Hasten to add that, of course, he does 
not require it for his own use, possessing, as he does, all 
the information it contains, and a great deal more beside. 
But then, he may have young children ; or, if not, what a 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


59 


benefit it would be to his visitors ; for surely the leading 
citizen of such a large town must be visited daily by a vast 
number of people. In short, the self-important man is to 
be won by flattery ; and you can pile it on as thickly as 
you please. 

“ Next we come to the studious, absent-minded, reflec- 
tive character. You will know him also by the carriage 
of his head. 

The organ of reflection is in the front, or forehead, 
and when very large the head is bowed forward. He is 
the opposite of the party first described ; as a rule he is of 
a retiring disposition ; so it will not do to flatter him, or 
hint that he leads the town, for his modesty may take 
alarm, and he will very likely shut the door and retreat to 
the kitchen under the impression that he is about to be 
asked to address a meeting of voters at the town hall. 

You may speak to him bluntly, and without deference 
to his opinion — in an argumentative manner, as if you 
knew better than he, what is good for him. Persuade him 
that by subscribing for the Cyclopedia, which you now 
show him, he will only be putting himself in the way of 
gaining a vast amount of much needed information. 

“ Next comes the man with the square, massive jaw, 
bull neck and broad shoulders. He is a much heavier 
man than either of the two I have described ; but his 
weight is all in the flesh — a purely physical animal, and 
as such ought to be more easily handled by a man of intel- 
lect, so long as he confines himself to moral suasion. 

“ The chances are that he keeps a dog; but don’t let 
that scare you. When the dog approaches whistle to him, 
pat him on the back, ask what his name is, and if he has 


6o 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


ever been matched against another dog. Tell his master 
that you have a game cock at home which you’d like to 
swap for one of his, which you’d be apt to see strutting 
around in front of the house. 

“ Of course there is a large portion of your Cyclopedia 
devoted to athletic sports, gymnastic exercises, and other 
matters interesting to a sporting man. Have the part 
marked so that you can turn to it without hesitation ; call 
his attention to that alone, and if he can read, he will 
subscribe. 

“ There are many other characters which the canvasser 
should know how to manage. 

“ Wome-n ? They are nearly all alike so far as getting 
them to subscribe for a book is concerned. The appear- 
ance of the canvasser is of more importance to the average 
female than the nature of the book he carries. Be pleas- 
ant and polite in your address, and neat in your attire, and 
you'll get a woman to subscribe for a book which she has 
no intention to read. 

“ I came near forgetting the dude. But he has no 
character to speak of. 

“ His surroundings ; the apartment he lives in will tell 
you what he is before you see him at all. Suppose you 
should be waiting in his room until he puts in an appear- 
ance. Everything in the room betrays the passion for 
gaudy outward show and indifference to inward excellence 
for which the dude is noted. 

“ If you look at the picture on the wall the first thing 
that attracts your eye is the frame, and that holds it ; be- 
cause the frame is worth ten dollars — the picture ten cents. 
Look at the clock. The case is a beautiful piece of work- 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


6 


manship, but the works are eternally running a race against 
time and always either winning or losing. 

“ All his possessions are like himself — ostentatious and 
hollow. If your book is prettily bound and will look well 
on a centre-table he will subscribe for it, no matter what 
the contents may be. It may be a blank book for all he 
cares, for he never looks between the covers. 

“ Now that I have posted you, my friend, you go your 
way with your Cyclopedia and I’ll go mine with my com- 
plete Shakespeare. If you accumulate an immense fortune 
within a few months, don’t forget that it was your old 
friend. Jay Burd, who gave you the hints upon which that 
fortune was based. But if you fail miserably, remember 
that I said you may not be adapted to the profession you 
have chosen. So long. 

“ Well, I started in. My first knock was answered by 
a woman with a knitted brow and a stiff upper lip. There 
was no mistaking her physog’. You could read it running, 
and you’d want to run, too. 

“ ‘ Don’t want no Sancho Pedros — got enough to do to 
git grub ! ’ she snapped, and slammed the door in my face. 

“ But I thought her an angel compared with the lady of 
the next house, who was polishing the stove when I called. 
So polite and agreeable was she that she lost no time 
washing her hands, but took hold of the book at once and 
began turning over the leaves with her grimy fingers. 
She admired it very much, and was so sorry that the 
hardness of the times left her powerless to subscribe ; and 
I left her house with the ‘ Rising Sun ’ stove polish at- 
tractively advertised on the fly leaves and margins of my 
sample copy. 


62 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ As I left the house I met a gentleman who was going 
my way. He was a burly, square shouldered man, with 
a heavy under-jaw and a head tapering towards the top ; 
evidently a man of muscle. 

‘ Here,’ thought!, ‘is a chance to profit by one of the 
valuable hints Jay gave me. ‘ Good morning,’ said I, ‘ I 
am canvassing for subscribers to a book w'hich I think will 
interest you, sir.’ 

“‘Ah! What is it?’ he asked, eyeing my valise. 
‘ Something religious, I suppose ? ’ I fancied there was a 
sneer in the question ; it convinced me that he was a 
sporting character— perhaps a pugilist ; so I said : 

“ ‘Religion be hanged! No, sir; you don’t catch me 
tramping around the country peddling tracts and Bibles to 
a parcel of fanatics and hypocrites. What I have here is 
a book more to your taste, and if you’ll just stop a moment 
and allow me to show — ’ 

“ ‘Excuse me,’ said he, hurriedly ; ‘ I must say that I 
cannot, as a minister of the Gospel, hold further com- 
munication with a man who expresses such sentiments as 
you have just uttered. Good day, sir.’ 

“ My faith in Jay Burd’s science was slightly shaken by 
this rebuff. 

“ After a little reflection I decided to put another of his 
hints to the test, and was wondering where I could find a 
leading citizen, when I was roughly jostled by a man who 
overtook and passed me. Without making the least 
apology, or even deigning to glance at me he strode on, 
‘ pride in his port, defiance in his eye,’ to all appearances 
‘ intent on high designs.’ 

“ ‘ There,’ thought I, ‘ goes a man who thinks himself 
a prominent citizen.’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


63 


“ I watched him until he turned into a house, and a few 
minutes later I was ringing the door-bell, after noticing 
that the name cn the door-plate was G. W. Loftus. 

“ The door was opened by the prom. cit. in person. 

“ ‘ Have I the honor of addressing Mr. Loftus ? ’ 

“ ‘ That’s my name,’ he replied, haughtily. 

“ ‘ It is a name well and favorably known, sir,’ said 1. 
I could see in his face the pleasure it gave him to have his 
own opinion of himself thus confirmed by a stranger ; so 
I began to produce my sample while I went on : ‘ It is a 
name, sir, so well known to, and respected by the people 
of this and the adjoining towns, that if it was once seen 
at the head of a list of subscribers for this book, it would 
induce every intelligent man to place his own name under 
it without further consideration.’ 

“ He was softened ; but he coughed, frowned and made 
a show of hesitation. 

“ H needn’t describe to you, sir, the contents of this 
book,’ I went on ; ‘ you are well acquainted with them, I 
know ; but it will be to your honor to have it said that you 
were the first to introduce such a valuable work among 
your less educated fellow townsmen, merely by heading 
the list — they will all follow your example.’ 

“ That settled him. He was about to give me his re- 
spected name when his respected wife made her appear- 
ance and demanded my business. 

“ I explained; as for him, he seemed to shrink and 
shrivel in her awful presence until his clothes looked 
several sizes too large for him. 

‘ ‘ ‘ And were you going to subscribe for that book ? ' 
she asked, giving him a scorching look. 


64 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


‘ ‘ ‘ No, no, my dear ; I was not — certainly not,’ he said. 

‘‘ ‘ I believe you were,’ said she. ‘ It would be just 
like your silliness.’ Turning to me she added : ‘You go 
about your business.’ 

“ There was a sewing machine agent’s team waiting in 
front of the next house I tried. I was about to knock 
when I heard the voice of the agent, who was apparently 
standing inside with his hand upon the knob of the door ; 
so I waited for him to come out, and while waiting I 
couldn’t avoid hearing his parting words to the lady of the 
house : 

“ ‘ I shall call once more for the balance due on that 
machine, and if it isn't paid I shall remove the machine. 
Now, that settles it.’ 

“ The door then opened and the agent rushed out, 
jumped into his team, and drove off. The lady of the 
house came out to look after him and encountered me. 
If looks could kill, the jaw that’s wagging at you now 
would make a good model for the centre-piece of a pirate’s 
flag. 

“ ‘ Have you been listening at this door ? ’ she asked. 

“ Seeing profit in the truth, I told it : 

“ T wasn’t listening intentionally, madam ; but he spoke 
so loudly that I couldn’t help hearing what passed. I am 
canvassing for this valuable Cyclopedia, and — ’ 

“‘Have you canvassed every other house on this 
street ? ’ she asked quickly. 

“ ‘ No, ma’am; but I mean to — especially next door 
on each side. However, you needn’t fear, for although I 
am naturally of a talkative disposition I shall take care to 
mention nothing of your affairs ; will you look at this book? ’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


65 


“ She sweetened immediately. 

* “ ‘My ! It is a r//// handsome book! So prettily bound, 
and gilt-edged too 1 How much do you ask for it ? ’ 

‘ Only six dollars, madam ; it is worth three times 
the sum to a lady of culture and refinement, as- an orna- 
ment for the centre-table.’ 

‘ Do you sell it on the installment ple-an ’ ’ 

“ ‘ Not by a — I mean — no ma’am ; cash on delivery.’ 

‘ Very well,’ said she, with a shade of sadness in her 
tone. ‘ You may put my name down ; Mrs. A.’ 

“ I took down her name, and rapped at the next door 
on the right hand side. 

“ A pleasant looking lady responded, and I did my best 
to get her name ; telling her, as an extra inducement, that 
Mrs. A. had subscribed. 

“ ‘Has she?’ said Mrs. B. ‘ 1 am glad to hear that ; 1 
can borrow hers and save the expense. But if you try 
Mrs. C., the lady next door to her on the other side, 
probably she’ll buy the book ; she can’t borrow it, I can 
answer for that. They haven’t spoken to each other for 
fourteen years. Mrs. A. and Mrs. C. are mad^ and they’re 
going to stay mad.’ 

“ Thanking my informant I repaired to the door of Mrs. 
C., which was so close to that of her dumb enemy that an 
enterprising canvasser could knock at both at once. 

“ Mrs. C. appeared. 

“ ‘Good morning, ma’am ; I’ve called to show you this 
book — a book which speaks for itself, madam ; just look 
at the binding ; it is only six dollars, and you shouldn’t 
be without it. Mrs. A has subscribed and — ’ 

“ ‘Has she ? ’ said Mrs. C., ‘ Indeed 1 ’ and she raised 


66 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


her voice, knowing that her dumb enemy wasn't deaf. 

‘ So she has subscribed, has she ? No wonder some people 
can’t pay their debts !’ and she slammed the door in my 
face. It was no sooner shut than the next door opened 
and Mrs. A., with murder in her eye, appeared. 

“ ‘Come here ! ’ said she, in a hoarse whisper. I ap- 
proached cautiously, for she looked as if she might have a 
dagger, or a wet mop, in her hand. 

“ ‘So ! after all I’ve done for you, you have treacher- 
ously betrayed me to my worst enemy ! ’ 

“ ‘I didn’t tell her about the machine agent,’ said I. 
‘ I merely — ’ 

“ ‘Don’t try to lie out of it ! Don't talk back to me ! I 
know better 1 Now you scratch my name olf that list, and 
don’t show your nose here again, or I’ll scald you!’ 
Bang went the door, and I was turning away discouraged, 
when I heard a tap at Mrs. B’s window, and a moment 
later that lady appeared at the door. ‘ What’s the trouble?’ 
she asked eagerly. 

“ ‘As it is a matter of some delicacy, and an important 
secret which accidentally came into my knowledge, I must 
decline to answer,’ said I. ‘I hope you will excuse me.’ 
The bait took. 

“ ‘Come in,’ said she, throwing the door wide open. 

‘ Walk right into the parlor and sit down. Now, tell me 
all about it.’ 

“ ‘I’d rather not.’ 

“ ‘But you must ! Let me see that book. Yes. I think 
I’ll take it. You say there’s a good deal of information 
in it? Well, it doesn’t tell the cause of that squabble be- 
tween you and Mrs. A. ? If you throw that in I’ll take the 
book. Put my name down.’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


67 


“ I told her all about it, and got one subscriber. Then 
I hunted up a boarding house and after dinner decided to 
spend the rest of the day in idleness. 

‘‘ Next morning I took the first train for the next town 
and, on arriving, went boldly up to the nearest house. 

* ‘ The door was opened by a stout man with a smoothly 
shaven face, and firm, resolute features. But he had the 
bent head and knitted brow which, according to Jay Burd, 
betoken the man of deep study and reflection. 

“ This, I remembered, was the sort of a party to whom 
I might speak bluntly. 

‘Here !’ said I. ‘ Here is a book which you are very 
much in need of. A man like you, always in pursuit of 
knowledge, shouldn’t be without a Cyclopedia a single 
day. Take hold of it ! It won’t bite you ! ’ 

“ The first part of his reply was couched in the language 
of blanks and dashes ; the printable part of it was a warn- 
ing to vanish if I didn’t want a ‘ slug in the jaw.’ He 
also wanted to know if it wasn't enough for a man to be 
suffering with a bile on the back of his neck without being 
pestered by a cussed cheeky canvasser ? That settled my 
faith in surface science. That man was a pugilist, but a 
boil on the back of his neck gave him the appearance of 
a book-worm. 

“ ‘Madam,’ said I to the lady of the next house, ‘ allow 
me to show you this excellent Cyclo — ’ 

“ ‘You clear out of this ! ’ 

— “ It is a book no lady of ref — ’ 

“ ‘You git 1 Do you hear ? ’ 

— “ ‘inement and culture should be without. It is ele- 
gantly bound in green and gold and — ’ 


68 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ ‘Are you going to git, or are you not ? ’ 

“ ‘contains numerous handsome steel engravings — ’ 

“ ‘Here Jack ! Jack ! Jack ! s-s-sketch hm ! ’ 

“ The dog was a cur, or else he didn't possess artistic 
talent enough to sketch me, but his voice was louder than 
mine, so I was fairly barked down and out. 

‘ ‘ The proprietor of the next house was a man with a 
nose like an inverted point of interrogation. He heard 
me out, and then asked my name ; then he asked me 
where I came from, — and where I came from before I 
came from the place I came from before. 

“ I ran away from him; 1 was sick of the business, 
and resolved to walk back to the town where my only sub- 
scriber lived ; sell her my sample copy, and go out of the 
business. 

“ On the road I met Jay Burd.^ He looked sad. I 
asked him what he was doing out of his territory. He 
told me he had sold his sample copy of Shakespeare and 
had started in search of me. 

“ ‘Let us give up the business,’ he said, ‘ and take to 
the road again. When I selected the works of William 
Shakespeare I thought I was saving myself yards upon 
yards of chin music ; I imagined that I had a book which 
spoke for itself ; but 1 soon found that I was obliged to 
tell who was the author of it, and to know all about Lord 
Bacon, Ignatius Donnelly, the cryptograph, and ciphers. 
I was expected to deliver a lecture at every house, and 
then if my opinion didn't coincide with that of the party I 
lectured, I couldn’t get his name. Let us give it up and 
walk the railroad ties again.’ ” 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


69 


KILLED BY K 1 NDNP:SS. 

“ It is queer how retribution will overtake a man when 
he least expects it : just as he feels convinced that fortune 
is heading his way under full sail with a strong breeze on 
the quarter. 

“ We were^bound with a cargo of coals from a North of 
England port to Kurrachee, India, via the Cape of Good 
Hope. 

“ During the whole outward bound trip we had short 
and bad rations. The steward, who cooked for both 
cabin and forecastle, aggravated us, and found pleasure in 
it, no doubt, by describing what a feast they were having 
in the cabin. We knew what we were having : ‘ salt horse ’ 
and hard-tack, varied by hard-tack and salt pig, from the 
day we hove up the anchor until we dropped it in the In- 
dus river, after a trip of 1 16 days. 

“ The cook himself showed signs of anger as he told us 
how the skipper had brought to sea a lot of fresh provis- 
ions, for his own use, which spoiled on his hands and had 
to be thrown overboard. 

“ ‘Half of that fresh meat and wegetables might ’a’ 
been given to the 'fokesel at the start,’ said he. ‘He 
might ’a’ known it wouldn’t keep. I tell ye what it is : 
such miserly hextravagance is onlucky and can’t go with- 
out its proper punishment. HeTl suffer for it afore this 
voyage is over, and p’r’aps we’ll ’ave to suffer with ’im.’ 

“ But it did not turn out quite as badly as the cook had 
predicted. 


70 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ After discharging our cargo in Kurrachee, we shipped 
another of rice and grain. 

‘‘Just before we weighed anchor, the skipper came 
aboard with the leanest, hungriest-looking sheep we had 
ever seen. He had bought her at a great bargain, we 
felt sure, from a native who must have been secretly glad 
to get rid of her, for she looked as if famine had damaged 
her beyond repair. 

“ Forward in the bows, between decks, there was a tri- 
angular locker with a door just large enough to admit the 
sheep, and there the skipper proposed to pen the beast 
until she was fat enough to make mutton for himself and 
officers. 

“ ‘ He reckons to ’ave quite a big blow-out on yon 
sheep arter we’re a month or so out ; just when fresh meat 
will taste good,’ said the cook. ‘ Not a man Jack afore 
the mast will get so much as a bloomin’ bone to pick, ye 
can take yer after davitt on that ! He’s goin’ to fatten 
the poor ghost on leavin’s from the cabin — stuff that’s too 
good for able seamen to eat, ye know ; but just the thing 
for a measly Hindoo sheep ! Poor Britons ye are if ye 
don’t complain to one of the Plimsoll’s agents the first 
port we come to ! ’ 

“ The prentice boy, Billy, did not take such an envious 
view of the matter, for he made a great pet of the sheep 
from the day she came aboard. 

“ ‘ Ned,’ said he, after we had been out a week, ‘ that 
poor sheep don’t seem to get no fatter.’ 

“ ‘ What’s that to you ? ’ asked the cook, who overheard 
him. ‘ For my part. I’d be glad to see her go into a gal- 
lopin’ consumption ! ’ 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 71 

“ ‘ That cook is the biggest crank afloat,’ said the boy 
when the cook went into his galley. ‘ Always growlin’ 
and tryin’ to get others to growl. But I do pity that poor 
sheep and Tm goin’ to give her a good feed, as that cook 
should have done at first, only he’s too mean. I'll do it, 
if I have to steal the grub ; ’ and he went below, ripping 
a bag with his sheath-knife, and came up with his roomy 
sou’wester full of rice. It was during the mid-watch and 
a dark night, so he was not noticed. The hungry sheep 
ate the hat-full of raw rice, and then it struck Billy that the 
feeding was rather dry ; so he stole a pail of fresh water 
from the scuttle-butt. The thirsty sheep drank nearly all 
of it, and then lay down in her pen with a feeling of 
fullness. 

Next morning the cook’s head appeared at the cabin 
door. 

“ ‘ Captain,’ said he, ‘I think that ere sheep is plenty 
fat enough for ye now.’ 

‘What are you talking about, man?’ growled the 
skipper. . 

“ ‘You heerd what I said,’ returned the cook. ‘ If ye 
don’t believe it, come for’ard and see.’ 

The unfortunate sheep lay with her head partly outside 
the door of her pen with her eyes bulging almost out of 
her head. 

‘ ‘ ‘ Why, blank dash it ! The sheep’s dead ! ’ roared 
the skipper, and he collared the cook. 

“ ‘Hands off, cap’en ; hands off ! ’ threatened the cook. 
‘I’ll have ye afore a magistrate as soon as ye land ! I 
know nowt about yer blasted sheep, so be careful 1 ’ 

‘ Pull her out here ! ’ gasped the captain, half-choked 
with rage. 


72 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ ‘ I can’t,' said the cook. 

“ ‘I tell ye she’s too fat to come out that door. We’ll 
’ave to bust the bleedin’ locker open, or else take her out 
by instalments.’ 

‘‘ ‘Lay hold with me. Now, together !’ They pulled, 
but it was useless. 

“ Then the captain danced a wdld, wayward hornpipe, 
full of original if not artistic steps. 

“‘She’s been poisoned!’ he yelled. ‘Nothing but 
poison would swell a beast up like that 1 If I knew — if I 
only suspected — who did it, I’d keel-haul him 1 I’d — I’d 
tow him astarn for a week, and then I’d hang the scoun- 
drel up by the neck from the yard-arm to dry 1 Smash 
that locker open one of ye, or I’ll smash somebody 1 ’ 

‘ ‘ The locker was broken open while the skipper poured 
out a stream of original and well-selected curses on the 
unknown despoiler of his feast ; and the victim of an 
ignorant boy’s kindness was dragged out on deck — a sight 
to behold 1 There was really more rice than sheep ; but, 
as the rice was invisible, and the skipper sure of the poison 
theory, the carcase was thrown over the side, and he never 
learned the real cause of the sheep’s death until we were 
within a few days’ sail of home and all hands in a good 
humor. 

“ We had just weathered a heavy gale and w^ere hoist- 
ing the fore-topsail again. Billy, who by virtue of a clear, 
musical voice and a knack at rhyming, was our ‘ shanty’- 
singer, began : 

“ ‘On board a Black-Bailer I first served my time.’ 
(Chorus by all hands.) ‘To, ho, blow the man down 1’ 

“ ‘On board a Black-Bailer I wasted my prime.’ BXL 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


73 


“ ‘Gimme some time to blow the man down ! ’ 

“ Just then the parral of the yard got jammed, calling 
for the ‘ long and strong pull shanty’, which was in longer 
meter. 

“As I recall the scene, there comes to me up here 
among the hills, after the lapse of nearly twenty years, a 
strong breeze from old Ocean, bearing with it the rhyth- 
mic wash of waves against a ship’s side, the flapping of 
canvas, the creaking of halliard-blocks, and high above all 
the loud, sweet voice of the boy as he gave us the same 
old tune to which thousands of seamen have hauled upon 
ropes, but to which he had set a lot of new rhymes of his 
own composition : 

“ Billy was a bully boy, if ’twarnt for his blindness.” 

“ Away, haul away, haul away, do^ 

“ Billy was a bully boy, he killed the sheep with kindness I*' 

“ Away, haul away, haul away, do !'^ 

“ The captain, who, unknown to Billy, was standing 
close behind him, started and cocked his ear at this ; and 
there was a half smothered laugh among us as we leaned 
forward with the rope in our hands waiting for the next 
line. It came : 

“ Billy fed the hungry sheep on rice and lots of water.” 

“ Away, haul away, haul away, do 

“ He fattened up the skinny sheep till she was fit for 
slaughter.” 

“ Away— Ow !” 

“Billy had received a kick from the rear that raised 
him a foot and cut short the chorus. 

“ ‘So it you killed my sheep, was it, you young 
imp ? ’ shouted the captain. ‘ Lucky for you, my lad, that 


10 


74 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


I didn’t find it out in time ! Didn’t you know any better? 
Did you ever see your mother soaking rice over night and 
notice how it was swelled in the morning ? ’ 

‘‘ ‘Naw, I didn’t, then ; smart as you are,’ sauced Billy. 
‘ I want you to know that my mother is an English wom- 
an, and no bloody Chinyman ! ’ and he sprang into the 
rigging in time to escape the rope’s end, which the captain 
soon dropped and walked aft, trying to conceal a smile 
after telling us to ‘ hoist away that topsail, instead of 
standing there grinning.’ ” 


THE SAILOR’S YARN. 

(Reprinted from Wade’s Fibre and Fabric. 'i 

‘ ‘ There’s no credit in being a philosopher on three 
meals a day and a roof overhead,” observed the Boss. 
“ It makes me tired to hear a man boasting about his 
contentment after dinner. The time to work in your philos- 
ophy, if you have any, is when you are walking on your 
uppers with the slack of your stomach chafing against your 
backbone ; that’s the time to be contented and happy, and 
at peace with all mankind — especially the men who have 
more than their share of this world's goods. 

“ If there’s anything makes me more weary than the 
well-fed philosopher it is the poor man who wastes pity on 
himself. Self-pity never fails to make a man more miser- 
able than there’s any need for, and that’s all the good he 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


75 


gets out of it. Now, instead of pitying himself when he 
is in a bad hx, a true philosopher will pity the people who 
are worse off, for there’s no condition so bad but what it 
can be worse — unless it is made worse by self-sympathy — 
and then it gets down to rock-bottom and can go no 
lower. Pity others always and you will feel none of your 
own misery. Cast your bread upon the water and look 
cheerful when you ask for a fresh handout and you’ll get 
it nine times out of ten.” 

“ ‘That reminds me,’ said a sailor who was present, 
‘that I heerd of that ere passage in the Scripter where it 
says, ‘cast your bread on the water and after many days 
it will return.’ I didn't believe it. Leastways I was 
bound to test the matter, being a young kid at the time ; 
so one day when the wind was fair and moderate I chucked 
a hard-tack over the side and watched it as it dropped 
astarn 

“ Thinks I, ‘it will be a good many days afore you re- 
turn,’ and just then the skipper collared me. 

“ ‘Rippety blank blank I’ says he, ‘ you blankety blank! 
what d’ye mean by wastin’ good grub like that ? Don’t ye 
know it’s a sin, blank dash yer eyes ? ’ 

“ I told him why I did it. 

“ ‘Well,’ says he, castin’ his weather eye toward a cloud 
about the size and shape of a ham away to wind’ard, 

‘ p’r’aps that ere biscuit will return to you in a way you 
won’t like afore many days. There’s no tollin’.’ 

“ I didn’t see nothin’ to be scared of in a little cloud 
like that, but fust thing we knew the old man was shootin’ 
off his mouth like a gatlin gun : 

“ ‘ Let fly all yer to ’gallant sheets 1 Clew up 1 Hands 


76 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


by the torpsel halyards ! Lower away ! Man clewlines 
and buntlines! Jump! Jib downhaul forerd there! 
Quick’s yer play ! Dash blank it ! Here she comes ! ’ 
And come she did, sure enough. There wasn't no 
need to furl them to’gallant sails. The squall jest ripped 
’em outen the boltropes and took ’em along to looard as if 
she were in the habit of blowin’ in them kind of handker- 
chers ; and afore we had time to luff up, or take in another 
stitch, we were lying on our beam ends — or so close to it 
the wasn’t no fun. 

“ Well, it blowed over after a while and she righted 
again, but the awful strain made her spring a leak — being 
an old ship and pretty rotten. Pumps were no use. We 
had to take to the boats, and she went down. 

“ It was our luck to be in the track of other ships, or 
we would have starved to death afore we were picked up 
— which picked up we were in the course of a week — but 
I tell you my crew was ready for corn when I was picked. 
And that ere hardtack which Td cast upon the water? 
Well, it did return to me the very fust time I went to 
sleep hungry ; but when I reached for it — -it wasn’t there, 
but as soon as Td doze off again it would come dancin’ 
along on the waves toward me — and fool me again when 
I’d make a grab. 

“ I tell you, boys, that was a lesson in economy to me. 
It made me more careful with my money. Every time I 
get ashore now I always patronize the saloons where you 
git the biggest schooners.” 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


77 


THE TOWN JAIL. 

There were four of them ; three mill men and a profes- 
sional tramp. There was the Loom-fixer who knew more 
than the Boss ; the Weaver who knew more than the Fix- 
er ; the Pdlling-carrier who knew more than the pair of 
them ; and the Professor aforesaid, who knew it all. 

Night fell on them in a small New Hampshire town, 
and hit them so hard that they felt it was useless to travel 
further until sleep had restored their energies. One 
would suppose that the combined knowledge of these four 
men would have moved the Universe, but it did not even 
m3va tham on, for the Professor accosted a native with 
“ Say, cully, where’s de put-up in dis ville? ” 

The man stared. 

“We are travellers,” explained the Fixer in classic 
English, “ and wish to know if there is a place in this 
town where men in our condition can obtain a night’s 
lodging free of expense } ” 

“ WeVe got a new jail,” said the native, with some 
pride in the statement, “ where we put tram — velers also. 
But you'd have to see the Overseer of the Poor.” 

“ Would you mind showing us this jail ? ” asked the 
Weaver. 

“ Why, there it is,” said the native, pointing to a small 
building erected on a ledge near the side of the road. 

“ Rippety juba ju !” cried the Professor. “ D'ye mean 
to call dat henroost a jail ! ” 

“ Well, we’ve had no prisoners in it yet ; but it is the 
place where we put up trampvelers,” said the man who 
was fast losing his respect for the party. 


78 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


“ Less move on, boys,” said the Professor. “ I’d 
rather bunk in de woods den sleep in dat coop.” 

“ But we’ll have to get shelter some place tonight,” 
said the Fixer, after they had walked a short distance. 
‘‘ It is too cold to sleep out.” 

“ I’m posted,” said the Professor. “ ’Bout a mile down 
de road dere’s a summer cottage. De bloated aristocrats 
wot loafs in it durin’ de summer is gone to dere palatial 
mansions in de city fer to hibernate fer de winter, see ? 
And dey leaves deir furnicher in de crib — a stove and 
beds and such ; dat’s all we need./ 

Arriving at the place referred to, our travelers soon 
gained entrance through a window, and after kindling a 
fire sat down to enjoy it. They were just thinking of ex- 
ploring the upper rooms for beds, when the door opened 
and the Police Force of the town they had just left, filed 
into the room. They were four to his one, but he repre- 
sented the long, strong arm of Law, and when he ordered 
them to march ahead of him back to town they obeyed, 
and soon found themselves again in front of the despised 
town jail. 

‘‘ In you go 1 ” said the officer throwing open the door. 

“ D’ye mean to tell me dat inside of dis collar-box 
dere’s a bed big enough to hold four men ? ” asked the 
Professor. 

‘‘ I mean to tell you nothing,” replied the Force, “ ex- 
cept to walk in there ; and if you don’t I’ll help you.” 

That settled it, and the door was soon locked on them. 

“ He’s a go ! ” said the Filling-carrier dolefully. 

“ It’s more like a stay,” said the Weaver. 

“We’ll stay till morning anyhow,” said the Fixer. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 79 

“ Then I suppose we’ll go to a bigger jail in the nearest 
city to await trial.” 

“ It’s a free years job for youse mugs,” said the Pro- 
fessor, striking a match and lighting a piece of tallow 
candle which he found in one of his capacious pockets. 

“ What do you mean by us mugs? ” asked the Fixer, 
indignantly. “ You talk as if you were the judge, instead 
of one of us.” 

“ Wot I mean is dis, cully : Breakin’ an’ enterin’ is a 
serious offence, and if youse mugs mean to stay here all 
night and take yer medicine in de mornin’, ye can do it. 
But you musn’t count me in, see ? ” 

“I’d like to know how we are going to count you out,’’ 
said the Fixer. 

“ If you're going to sit dere all night gruntin’ over yer 
past life, I suppose I’ll be in it wid ye ; if yer willin’ to 
help me walk off wid dis crib, we’ll all be free in a few 
hours ; ” and producing a large jack-knife he fell to work 
on one of the floor boards, saying, ‘ All dere is to it is to 
whittle a hole big enough to get our hands down ; den we 
rips up de floor, and wid our feet on de bare ground if we 
can’t shoulder dis box and walk out of town wid it, why 
we deserve to do time for warmin’ our shins in a summer 
cottage.” 

How it was done the town people could not clearly 
make out ; especially those who had kicked at town meet- 
ing against the appropriation of enough money to build a 
substantial jail ; but there was the new jail lying on its 
side in the road, and the tramps were gone. 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


THE wp:aver’s story. 

(Reprinted from the Worcester Spy.) 

Among the tramps sitting under the shelter of the shed 
which the villagers dignified by the name of ‘‘depot,” 
were three or four of the class known as ‘‘ bum weavers.’ 

“ Let’s see,” said one of them ; “ this is a one-factory 
town, I believe.” 

“ That’s what,” replied a man who was trying to sew a 
button on his shirt-cuff with one hand. “ Six-set mill — 
monthly pay — twenty days kep back at the start — make 
about thirty-five dollars a month, if yer warps are all right, 
and the boss’s sister and wife and cousin don’t work there 
and git all the good warps, and,” — here the speaker laid 
particular stress upon a special enormity — “ not a durn 
drop of anythink to drink — except Jamaica ginger — with- 
in a rajus of five miles from the cussid hole.” 

“ Why, what do they run the mill with ? ” inquired the 
first speaker. 

“ Water,” quickly returned the other; “ but you can’t 
catch me, for that’s all water’s fit for.” 

“ I s’pose there’s no use in trying to strike a job here, 
then ? ” 

“Not if you’re a single man, young fellow,” said a 
prematurely old man, who looked as if he had been run 
through a fulling mill with nothing to back him up. 

“The mill-owner owns all the tumble-down tenements 
in the town, and he wants to keep them tenanted. I’d 
advise you to go and ask one of the villagers if there is a 
house vacant. If there is, and you have a family, you can 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


8l 


safely strike the owner for a job. He'll make room for 
you. As for me, I’m going to push right along the rail- 
road ties. I hate the sight of these one-horse towns.” 

“ Must have had some bitter experience, old man I *’ 
observed one of the tramps, nudging his neighbor and 
winking at the others. 

‘‘ The history of my factory life is easily boiled down,” 
said the old man ; and while we are waiting for the rain 
to let up I might as well amuse you with it.” 

“ I married a weaver, and as we worked together, we 
continued to live in the boarding house, and were doing 
fairly well. Everything went along smoothly, but not wisely; 
for we spent all our earnings on fine clothing and holi- 
days ; until the first child came to brighten our life. We 
then decided to try housekeeping, little dreaming at the 
time how housekeeping would try us. We furnished a 
tenement on the instalment plan, paying, — or promising 
to pay, — double for everything. 

“ Finding that I couldn’t go it alone, my wife took the 
child from her breast, substituted a nursing bottle, and 
hiring a cheap old woman — who would have been dear at 
any price — to keep house and look after the baby, went 
weaving again to help me out. 

“ Whether the old woman was in league with the 
butcher and grocer, or merely careless, I don’t know ; but 
our bills became so large that my wife’s work was more of 
a loss than a gain to us. Then the child died of the 
change of diet. Another was soon born. Wife swore she 
would do no more work but housework, and I couldn’t 
blame her. Doctor and funeral bill for our child ; doctor 
and nurse bill for another ; instalment to pay on this, and 


11 


ADVENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


cash down on that — all combined to make a down grade 
of the road to recklessness. 

Creditors kept pressing, until I chucked up my job 
and skipped to another town — a one-horse town like this. 
I had just money enough to move. After working a few 
days I went to the only grocer in the place and asked tick 
for some provisions. Fie asked me where I came from 
last. I told him it was none of his business. 

“ ‘But it is my business to secure myself,’ said he, ‘ be- 
fore I trust a stranger. It is none of my business whether 
you owe money or not in the last town you came from ; 
but I must look out for my own interest, see ? ’ 

“ I was walking out, when he called me back, and in a 
friendly, confidential tone, told me he knew from experi- 
ence that I was in debt ; that I couldn’t be different from 
all the other factory people in town ; that my creditors 
would be after me before long ; that if he trusted me he 
would lose, not by my dishonesty, but by their rapacity — 
for when they attached my wages where would he get his 
pay ? In short, ‘ secure yourself,’ said he. ‘ Sign your 
wages over to me, as all the others have done. You can 
draw your own wages, same as the others, and nobody will 
be the wiser. Why, there is only one man in this town 
whose pay is not assigned to me. I shall not tell you who 
that man is, but ask any one of them and he will tell you 
that he is the man — Ha ! ha ! — ’ and he clapped me on 
the back, handed me a cigar, called me into the back 
room, handed me a bottle and glass, and ten minutes after- 
wards handed me a pen. I became his slave. Thence- 
forward I was working, not for my employer, not for my- 
self or my family, but for my grocer, who charged me 
whatever he pleased for the meanest kind of provisions. 


At)VENTURES OF A TRAMP. 


83 


He managed to make his bill cover my entire pay 
every month, and for a few months I paid it ; but being 
in need of a little cash one month I left a balance to be 
paid later, and he looked black. Next month the balance 
was doubled, and he threatened to draw my pay himself 
if I continued to act in that way — ‘ a thing he hated to 
do, but he had to look out for himself, did I see ? ’ 

I saw, and promised to make all right next pay-day. 
Next month I took all my pay, got a job in another little 
town, moved there, and gave an assignment of my wages 
to the bland and convivial grocer who did business there ; 
then had the cheek to write to the other grocer, telling 
him I had securel myself, and thanking him for learning 
me that little trick. To make matters all right with my 
conscience I began to drink. It takes a constant down- 
pour of whiskey to keep a man’s conscience quiet. So I 
poured, 

“ Just about that time my wife began to sour on me ; 
wanted to know if it wasn’t bad enough to be half rogue 
and half fool without adding the accomplishment of 
whiskey-guzzling } — and such-like aggravating questions. 
Her upbraidings and reproaches drove me to drink, and 
then she left me. Women are at the bottom of all the 
troubles in the world, I do believe. She is and has been 
earning her own living ever since, and I think she is do- 
ing fairly well, for the boy is now old enough to help her.” 

“ Hurrah ! ” sang the man who had by this time sewed 
the button on his cuff. 

‘‘Hurrah for the life of a tramp ; 

Cadging and low it may be ; 

But your scorn I brave 
For the worker’s a slave. 

And the vagrant is free, free, free ; 

The life of a tramp for me.” 


END. 



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